Baked beans

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“In Soviet Russia, beans bake YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Baked Beans

Baked Beans were invented in 1932 after Mr Snaeb Dekab, an English entrepreneur and social engineer, acquired a warehouse full of beans during the Wall Street Crash and decided to package them in cans. The beans were an instant hit among the upper classes, and for several years it was considered somewhat gauche to invite friends round to "eat like a pauper". Critics described Dekab's product as "The best thing since sliced bread" and "Better than wanking", although it subsequently transpired that the latter comment had been made by a eunuch.

During the war, commercial bean production was halted, and the factories were instead turned to producing highly radioactive beans to drop on Germany. The recipe has changed very little to this day. After the war, Dakeb took the somewhat unexpected decision to move production to Germany, changing the brand name to Heinz in honour of his recently deceased penguin.

Dekab died in 1953, and was mourned by many of his fans. He was buried in a baked bean farm in Ohio, which brought great rioting, as he lived, worked and died in Nuneaton.

Tasty meal, or war weapon?


Baked beans were exported across the world, with varying degrees of success.

The Swedish immediately outlawed the beans, making them illegal to purchase and sell. It was considered vegetable cruelty, as studies by Swedish scientists appeared to show that beans scream.

In France, baked beans were considered blasphemous, as they contained no wine, and as such were unsuitable for consumption by the general French population.

However, other markets proved more promising. The natives started to worship the individual beans from a limited edition can as Gods, for example, and after a prank by students the good citizens of California elected a baked bean to run the State. Also there was a death penalty if you didn't like baked beans in Austria.


Dekab was meant to be knighted by the Queen for culinary services to the crown but in history it says Nicolas Appert was the one who found out baked beans so he was being knighted. She described beans as "Simply spiffing, makes for an absolutely corking meal", although at least two royal aides have cited her love of beans as a key cause of the dreaded Queef. Despite the deaths of several slaves during the preparation of her favourite beans on toast, the Queen still eats beans every Christmas, eschewing the more traditional Christmas dinner. Whether the corgis share in this treat is, regrettably, unknown.

Popular music[edit]

Baked beans have had a musical career spanning nearly thirty years, a longevity rivalled by few mainstream contemporaries. "Do the can-can", their first major success, was released in 1968 and became an unexpected underground hit in Eastern Europe. The song is thought to be almost wholly responsible for the emergence of generic high-pitched pop music as a world force, and can certainly be blamed for Estonia's entry in Eurovision.

The beans also moved into the arena of children's songs, most famously with the playground smash "Beans, beans, good for the heart" which spawned a series of cover versions and propelled the beans to true international fame:

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,

The more you eat, the more you toot,

Daddy can i have more?

Also of note is the remix of the famous advertising jingle from the 50's, released in 1975. The song was thought lost as all released disks were created from compressed beans, and were sent to Africa as part of the Live8 contribution. However, a version of the song has been heard sung around the camp fires of boy scouts the world over;

Oh, you'll never go to heaven

(never go to heaven)

In a Baked Bean Tin

(in a baked bean tin)

'Cos a Baked Bean tin

('cos a baked bean tin)

'S'got Baked Beans In

('s'got baked beans in)

Beans, Beans good for your heart, The more you eat, the more you fart, the more you fart, the more you eat, the more to sit on the toilet seat. i like to fart on the toilet seat like an old retarted fart


The last living descendant of Sir Snaeb Dekab is George Bush, but due a degenerative hereditary disease which makes each new generation 40% thicker than the previous, Dubya has been forced to turn Camp David into a presidential retreat since the bean factory was too complicated to run. Despite this, Bush's is one of the top producers of baked beans in the US, and the company produces several flavours. Recently, Bush has suggested that drilling off Alaska may be "the next big thing" in baked beans extraction, although it is not clear why this might be. Also, I like erotic pictures :D


Most baked beans are in a very sweet sauce with little tang. By comparison, home made baked beans are considerably tangier. On the international scale of tang, home baked beans are a 6.7, and can cause minor structural damage. In the US, beans possess a mushier texture and are darker in colour than their UK counterpart. In the State of Vermont baked beans usually are sweetened with Vermont Maple syrup, and in Texas immigrants and foreigners were used to give the beans a meatier texture.

A new recipe is currently being developed in Area 51, and is top secret. Operatives have leaked that the beans were made by extra-terrestrial beings, and it is thought that this may be the source of the rumour that alien life is being studied at Area-51.It tastes like poop covered with mustard

See Also[edit]