BAA Limited

BAA (Bulldoze Arcadia for Aeroplanes) is a renowned destroyer of rural land, long-standing communities and everyone's holidays. Apart from owning several airports around London, BAA's main aim is to expand London Heathrow airport across the UK, therefore destroying all of the UK.

Origins

An artist's impression of the extent of Stansted Airport's boundaries at around 11:47am tomorrow (in green). Also pictured, extent of rival destruction company IRA's boundaries (in red).

The British Airports Authority was established by the passing of Airport Authority Act 1965, to take responsibility for the havens of clean, fresh air and tranquil silence that are Heathrow, Gatwick, Stansted and Prestwick Airports. Not content with bloating these four, however, it had soon huffed Glasgow International, Edinburgh and Aberdeen Airports.

Ironically, the Authority was the brainchild of one Roy Jenkins, a Labour minister for whom 'power, wealth and opportunity' should have been 'in the hands of the many, not the few', in direct contrast to BAA's handling of Britain's major airports. Labour is not unfamiliar to such unfounded moves, however; this is the party, after all, that introduced civil partnerships.

Next

With the advent of Margaret Thatcher's premiership came the realisation of BAA plc; a ginormous piggy bank created for the government in 1986. Its initial capitalisation was speculated to be in the region of £1225 million, the equivalent of around 817 Life Peerages (see current exchange rate here).

In 1990, the company simply forgot about Prestwick, as did most of the town's residents.

Then

Baltimore-Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport understandably abbreviates its name to BWI. That hyphen is just so unattractive.

In December 2005, the company took a bite out of Budapest Ferihegy International Airport, because it was Hungary. The remnants were eventually regurgitated in June 2007 after they were purchased by Hochtief AirPort, a group of ill-grammared Germans whose headquarters are ironically in Essen.

More recently, BAA won contracts in the USA to sell poisonous fumes and its customers' luggage to a wider audience. Areas affected include, but are not limited to, Indianapolis International, Boston Logan International, and Baltimore-Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airports.

Yesterday afternoon

As of 3:09pm yesterday, BAA had announced plans to develop a further 7 runways in the UK, 83 of them in the quiet Essex village of Hatfield Broad Oak. It also pledged a decrease in its emissions of -250,000kg per year. This is another example of a sneaky double negative.

Trivia

A BAA employee loses weight.

• BAA is famed for its weight loss program, a popular endeavour amongst employees which sees:
  • the disregard for the whereabouts of its customers' luggage,
  • the sale of its customers' luggage (as previously mentioned),
  • the cancellation of around 90% of flights, thereby eliminating the need to carry weight at all.

• The 59th Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Jesus in 24AD, for His efforts in preventing BAA from selling carbon offsetting packages in the House of the Lord. Having overturned the stalls from which BAA was trading, Jesus triumphantly called for, amongst other things, tougher restrictions on noise pollution and more leg room in first class. He was later stripped of the award when He was spotted aggressively negotiating a cheaper return package to the popular resort of Bognor Regis at His local Thomas Cook.