Arnold Toht
Major Arnold Ernst Toht (Born August 11th, 1895), was a creepy-looking Gestapo Agent known for hunting various people, places, and things, including Indiana Jones, E.T., ALF, and The Ark of the Covenant.
Early Life[edit]
In August 11th of 1895, the evil abomination known as Arnold Ernst Toht was born after Hans Aumeier and an unknown Chinese farmer engaged in sexual intercourse. Arnold Toht's hand birthmark sent Aumeier into a fit of rage, for the birthmark did not come from his side of the family nor the farmer's. Aumeier believed the farmer was seeing another woman, and killed her. He sent Toht away at the age of five to start a new life. Toht found a group of traveling lemming trainers and asked the leader of the group to be his new father. The leader, who turned out to be Heinrich Himmler, agreed. Toht, for the next 20 years, was trained in the art of lemming- taming and the makings of a good gestapo agent. At the age of 25, Toht killed Himmler by drowning him in a gallon of goat's milk. Toht was then pronounced leader of the SS after he won a landslide vote. His election slogan was as follows: "If I'm bad enough to kill my father, I'm bad enough to be SS leader." Once Aumeier learned Toht became SS leader, he was brought to tears of joy, and knew that Toht was indeed his son.
Hunting Career[edit]
Arnold Toht was assigned SS Master Hunter in July 19th of 1934 and was tasked with finding legendary archaeologist Indiana Jones and to bring him to the Fuhrer, dead or alive. While on the hunt in Nepal, he picked up some new duds and a few Nepalese henchmen. Toht, along with the help of the aforementioned henchmen and fellow gestapo agent, Hans Claus, found Indiana Jones' old flame, Marion Ravenwood, and demanded the Medallion of Ra in order to find the Ark of the Covenant. Marion refused, and Toht, in the creepy raspy voice he gained during puberty, announced he would kill her with a red hot poker. Toht was five seconds away from shoving the poker into her right eyeball, when all of a sudden, Indiana Jones burst through the door, disarmed Toht, killed all six henchmen and Hans Claus in cold blood, and got away. Toht was humiliated and swore if he ever saw Jones again, he would melt the adventurer's face off. Toht was then tasked with finding E.T. using a magical shotgun that could transform into a walkie-talkie with wave of George Lucas' editing tool. Toht succeeded and forced E.T. to watch a disturbing porno with said alien in it, portrayed by an ugly green muppet reject. Once Toht found out that a Frenchman by the name of Rene Belloq, with the help of 20,000 Nazis, captured Indiana Jones, Marion, and the Ark, Toht caught a boat to an unnamed Greek island where they planned to open the Ark and celebrate their victory with Hammerzeit. Toht was a good friend of Belloq and was allowed front-row seats to the opening of the Ark.
Death and Revival[edit]
Unfortunately for Toht, Rene, and the Nazis, God wasn't too happy with what they did and decided to unleash His wrath upon them when they opened the Ark. Indiana Jones and Marion survived though, for they had their eyes closed because of the blinding stage light Toht shined in their eyes. When the Nazis opened the Ark, the soldiers were fried, Belloq suffered the same fate as the mustachioed guy in Scanners, and Toht's face melted. After the show, Indiana Jones and Marion escaped with the Ark to freedom. Meanwhile, since Hell was too full of fried Nazis, and Toht was too evil for Heaven, Toht's soul was shoved back into his lifeless body. Toht needed plastic surgery if he ever wanted to have a normal face again.
Later Life[edit]
Toht, with a face as close to his original as possible and a newly developed bean-burrito-and-laxative-force-feeding fetish as a result of the plastic surgery, decided to quit the gestapo and pursue an acting career after Aumeier was killed in a massive orgy with three Brazilian women and Gerald Ford. Arnold Toht was cast for the role of Arnold Toht in the hit TV Series, ALF where he played an evil gestapo agent with a strange bean-burrito-and-laxative-force-feeding fetish that hunted for things, such as ALF. His role was loosely based on his real life. After the cancellation of the show by Ronald Reagan and the Liberals, Toht married Margaret Thatcher and had a son named Fritz. He lived a happy life until his death in 1956. Yes, sometimes happy endings exist.
Quotes[edit]
- "Your fire... is dying here. Why don't you show us where the medallion is?" (Arnold Toht to Marion Ravenwood.)
- "Do you know what He did...? He melted my whole damn face. That plastic surgery cost me an arm and a leg, in addition to my soupy face!" (Arnold Toht on God.)
- "Citizens of the Fatherland! Do not fear! I am here. And I will hunt every last thing the Fuhrer asks for, even Roger Rabbit, for it is rabbit seas- wait? What are you talking about?! What do you mean Roger Rabbit isn't part of the rabbit season/duck season gag?" (Arnold Toht's election speech.)
- "That man must have been a magician. He would turn into a red dot and leave a red line behind him whenever he would go to a country! Luckily for us, due to the red line, he was very easy to follow... heh heh heh." (Arnold Toht on Indiana Jones.)