Anus language

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An illustration from one of the analects in the Anus language.

Anus language is a Uralic language which originates from the Netherlands. It has had a direct influence on the culture of the Flemish people and their repository of superstitions.


Legend dictates that the Anus language was given to the Phlegms by Janus, their most high exalted deity. While it is common for prophets to receive hallucinations on mountains, this divine afflatus was issued at the peak of a butte. This is particularly significant because buttes are not commonplace in such a low-lying place known for its dikes.

The one true prophet of the Phlegm people is known as Urbanus van Anus. He inscribed the analects which are received as the correct scripture of the Anus religion. These analects date to 69 BC and are the first known instance of written Anus.


Many prejudices exist against the Anus language and those who speak it. In the interest of NPOV, we must issue a rebuttal to these heinous beliefs.

Anus language is not associated whatsoever with the anus of anatomy. This claim disgraces the Phlegms who would tell you directly that they are not buttheads, buttmouths, nor buttpeople.


The remote written in coproglyphs. Note the word "anal", meaning channel in Anus.

Anus language is an agglutinative language. Words can be formed by adding affixes to the ends of words, for example, to denote plurality, quality, direction, recalcitrance and the related state of the speaker.

As a Uralic language, it has many declensions, including the lative, dilatative, constrictative, and inflammative cases.

Possessive pronouns are discarded in favor of possessive rear ends. In fact, all prepositions are in the rear as well.


Anus language is distinctive in that instead of using vocal communication, communication is sometimes done via the anal opening. Precise sphincter control is paramount in this fast-paced language. Some of the language's phonemes involve emissions of bodily fluids. This can be rather inconvenient, so to prevent transmission of illness, it's customary for speakers to use latex barriers when talking to anyone they've known for less than 48 hours.

An example of a coproglyph meaning "love"


Anus language is written with special ideographs called coproglyphs. Because of its inherent difficulty, many Anus language speakers cannot read their own language. They rely on the priests of the religion for all such needs.


A sphincterism is something like an idiom, but it's in Anus. As languages go, Anus is fairly full of sayings and meanings particular to it.

Of scatological interest[edit]

Anus language is widely recognized as the foremost language in which to express blasphemy, swear-words and other unpleasantries. This is in part due to the rigid grammar of the language which, once mastered, may lead the non-native speaker to all kinds of syntactically valid, yet highly hilarious observations. Also, the Anus language has a wide range of vocabulary to denote all kinds of less or more taboo things about the human body. For instance, a medical stoma is known informally as a "drollenvanger" (turd catcher). Unintentional staining of the underwear at the lower back is known affectionately as "remspoor", meaning "skidmark". Passing wind is called "uit de rug brullen" (screaming out of the backside).