Anticlimactic Story Disorder

President Xi Jinping of China keeps an audience riveted as he talks about the day he only had 10 people shot instead of the usual 100.

Anticlimactic Story Disorder (ASD) is a mental disorder of the neurodevelopmental type. It is characterized by telling stories that begin with impressive foreshadowing, with a conclusion that ultimately lacks climax, disappoints its audience, or is ironically insignificant.

Sufferers of ASD are often undiagnosed and therefore unaware they suffer from the condition. The symptoms appear before a person is twelve years old, are present for more than six months, and cause problems in at least two settings (such as school, home, or recreational activities). Although it causes impairment, particularly in modern society, many people with ASD go on to live full and productive lives. Others just go into politics.

Causes

Experts in very white, crisp surgical gowns have studied the origins of Anticlimatic Story Disorder. It is related to Narcissism and self-adulation. People listen to what I say. Therefore, I am an interesting guy. Homer perfected this very early on with his epic poems like The Iliad, The Odyssey and the lost Sea of Tranquility. People would go along to his poetry readings. They would sit there for three weeks without a break, listening and then, without warning, Homer would stop just before a punchline and digress about life in Bronze Age Greece. It was a very annoying habit.

Examples

Another film by Michael Bay ends again on the same note. Ear-splitting explosions.

Novelists are a good examples of ASD in action. Who can forget the end of War and Peace, where the story ends with a picnic in the garden? Considering what else had gone on, Tolstoy obviously had no idea how to come up with a sequel. Or in Moby Dick, when the whale kills captain Ahab but is then turned into sushi by a passing Japanese fishing boat.

In Lord of the Rings, the protagonists deal with what Joe Biden would call an "existential crisis," only for real. The crisis solved, the story devolves into tearful goodbyes, a gala wedding, and finally a sailing trip out of the Grey Havens. And the ship isn't even booby-trapped, in a final ironic act of gory revenge! Sheesh!

By contrast, the disappointment in Hollywood cinema is when a story runs into the sand and a director has no option but to blow up everything. Director Michael Bay has made that his trademark and saddled every studio he has ever worked for with eye-watering costs before you reach the credits and (less likely) the studio reaches a profit. Because Bay always finishes his films with a surprise cataclysmic ending, there is never a surprise.

Another good place to observe ASD on wheels is in anticlimactic speeches at weddings. It's always a toss-up between the Best Man or the bride's father. You can have variations if it is a same-sex marriage, but usually it is the father who always reads some terrible story that is supposed to illustrate how his daughter was destined to find happiness with Damien from Accounts. By the time the story has ended, many people will have dozed off or nipped outside for a quick smoke.

Treatment

If you suffer or know other people who have second- or third-degree exposure to ASD, a very good clinic will treat you for a small fee, in extreme confidence. Injections...oh sorry, that is another of my sidelines. I am confused. Oh wait. I have a story to tell. You will never guess the ending...

Other Anticlimactics

Being anticlimatic is also a reference to those who deny climate change. Who doesn't enjoy a day trip to Venus on an Elon Musk rocket ship?