American language

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The American language is the language spoken by people who live in the United States of America, who do not typically learn any other language. Actually "English" is only spoken in the United States. The language now spoken in Great Britain has only two phrases left in it: "Spam, spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam" and "This is an ex-parrot."

Known as "speaking American," this bizarre display of ignorance tends to amuse, though rarely heard in eateries outside of McDonald's.

American was spread via a secret U.S. Government plot during the 1970s and 1980s through the widespread adoption of spell checkers and install programs which provide no other option for language choice, especially not English. American typing style is characterized by excessive wear and tear on the "z" key, cobwebs on the useless "`"/"~" key (though the almost equally useless "u" key comes in at a close second), and odd pronunciation of almost everything including the letter Z (which is supposed to be called "izzard").

Relation to English[edit]

American is very similar to English, (OK, it's identical, except a few choice alterations just to make it seem different, but don't tell US citizens that; ignorance is bliss as they always say) and native speakers of each can usually understand the other with some difficulty. The most significant difference between the two is that the American alphabet has an extra letter, R, that is not used in English (although it should be noted that this is not used in the American dialect of Boston, either). This leads to word differences like the following:

American English
Car Vehicle
Easter Easter
Spring Break Easter Holiday
National Lampoon's Vacation Bank Holiday
Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator Aanold Schwazenegga in The Tuhminata
For shizzle, my nizzle Bob's yeh uncle, innit?
George W. Bush Bloody stupid barsterd
Boot licking poodle Tony Blair
Invade Colonise

English's lack of the letter R nearly caused an international incident in 1998 during the first visit to the United States of the new UK prime minister, Tony Bleah. American reporters covering the state visit, not quite believing that a man named "Bleah" could be elected leader of a real country, repeatedly referred to him as "Tony Blair." Weeks of rioting outside the U.S. embassy in London followed, causing the deaths of 14 and bringing the United States closer to nuclear war than at any time since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Canadian American/English[edit]

Canadians speak a language notable for pronunciation similar to American, but spelling similar to English. Most American and English linguists consider it to be the bastard child of the two. The only oddity is that funny pronunciation of the word about (see the "ou" section of the English-American Dictionary).

They also pronounce the letter 'a' as 'eh' in some words where it would be 'ah' in American. There is also disagreement about the names of letters - Canadians call a 'Z' (zee in American) a 'zed', which is French, not English nor American. They also call a 'W' (double-u) a 'doob-lee-vee', again siding with the sworn enemies of the Americans.

American Canadian
Car Car
beverage beer
huh? eh?
Easter Easter
Spring Break March Break
National Murica National vecation
Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator
For shizzle, my nizzle Bob's your uncle, eh?
George W. Bush Idiot
Liberate Peacekeep

Other Dialects of American[edit]


Prevalent among the substrata, yuh know. Thought to be exacerbated by an enlarged pituitary and/or beer addiction.


A semantic descendant of Neo-Hipsterism, Dood is spoken on the fringes of skatebored parks. Dood-speakers often peace out when it's all good, especially if things are way hella tight.


Shouted over the near-subsonic bump and judder of boomboxes by citizens without belts. Championed now mostly by wealthy bourgeosie with plenty of bling. Sadly, speakers of Boomslang once had genuine revolutionary aspirations.


Officially approved by the President. See Grammar.

See also[edit]