Alzheimer's Disease
Alzheimer's Disease (also known as "Clinton's Disease" (among Republicans) and "Senile Dementia" (not to be confused with "Penile Dimension" which is a totally unrelated topic.Any confusion between the two is liable to get you arrested. Dr Heinrich Grumbelweiser's attempt to cure the condition through his "Eh Gramps, Cop a whack of this!!" therapy, led to very little apart from a restraining order.) is a common pronunciation error made by those with a lythp when attempting to say "old timers disease". It is a progressive neurological condition, affecting short-term memory and cognitive ability. It is most prevalent among the aged, but is now known to be highly contagious in its viral phase, and may by contracted persons of any age group. Alzheimer's Disease (AD) is a progressive neurological condition, affecting short-term memory and cognitive ability. Localised outbreaks of AD are now fairly common in young people, particularly in crowded conditions where drug use and loud horse music are common.
History[edit]
AD has been known to human kind since at least the Dark Ages, and possibly before. Successive physicians, phrenologists and trepanners have identified this disease from generation to generation. Unfortunately, those past researchers have without exception been themselves afflicted with this terrible condition, and have therefore been unable to publish their findings.
It is considered to be the leading cause of dementia in adults, along with serious brain injury, listening to commercial radio, and stepping on cracks in the pavement.
The common name "Alzheimer's" refers to the disease's natural incubation grounds, retirement and nursing homes, or "Alzheims", as they are known in German. Every precaution must be taken when visiting these dens of pestilence to avoid contracting the AD virus. It is advised to wear a radio-active suit. They are very dangerous. A recent outbreak occurred in Monroe Township, New Jersey, in which two assisted living centers and 245 retirement communities were put under quarantine. Unfortunately, the municipal building was not quarantined, and the mayor forgot he had a high school across the street; thus, the town is building a high school across the street from the high school already in existence. If that sounds confusing, it explains the low SAT scores from the high school (the first one, in case you have AD yourself).
"Robert Saunders, you stand before the court accused of perpetrating large scale tax fraud dating back several decades, how do you plead?"
"Appledapple mouthwash, mlud."
"My client pleads Alzheimer's m'lud.He simply cannot remember anything about offshore tax avoidance schemes, £30,000,000,000 in unpaid revenue or indeed signing any paperwork in relation to the setting up of about 20 bogus companies. He would like about 200 other cases to be taken into consideration as well."
"Tombola Cheesecake."
"Indeed, and how long has he suffered this disability?"
"Since the summons arrived....oh bollox!! Sorry Robert."
"I'll get you for that, you bastard."
"It seems we have a particularly tragic case here. I can only sympathise with Mr Saunders' disability and recognise how much hard work must go into running a multinational corporation with such a debilitating illness. He has my deepest sympathy. Yet the demands of the law mean that I have to pass an appropriate sentence reflecting the seriousness of the crime and so I sentence Mr Saunders to be sent to bed without any butter pudding tonight."
"Oh, M'lud!!"
"Hard I know, but sometimes the rule of law has to be seen to intervene in such serious cases. I only hope Mr Saunders will learn from this and promise (scout's honour) that he will be more careful in future in covering his tracks. Then such sentences would not need to be passed."
"I am pretty certain my client has learned from his experience today and won't do it again. By the way is the lodge meeting still on for Tuesday?"
"Yes, it's being held at my place this week, the grand master has the flu. See you both there, I hope."
History[edit]
AD has been known to human kind since at least the Dark Ages, and possibly before. Successive physicians, phrenologists and trepanners have identified this disease from generation to generation. Unfortunately, those past researchers have without exception been themselves afflicted with this terrible condition, and have therefore been unable to publish their findings.
It is considered to be the leading cause of dementia in adults, along with serious brain injury, listening to commercial radio, and stepping on cracks in the pavement.
The common name "Alzheimer's" refers to the disease's natural incubation grounds, retirement and nursing homes, or "Alzheims", as they are known in German. Every precaution must be taken when visiting these dens of pestilence to avoid contracting the AD virus. It is advised to wear a radio-active suit. They are very dangerous. A recent outbreak occurred in Geritolopolis, New Jersey, in which two assisted living centers and 245 retirement communities were put under quarantine. Unfortunately, the municipal building was not quarantined, and the mayor forgot he had a high school across the street; thus, the town is building a high school across the street from the high school already in existence. If that sounds confusing, it explains the low SAT scores from the high school (the first one, in case you have AD yourself).
"Robert Saunders, you stand before the court accused of perpetrating large scale tax fraud dating back several decades, how do you plead?"
"Appledapple mouthwash, mlud."
"My client pleads Alzheimer's m'lud.He simply cannot remember anything about offshore tax avoidance schemes, £30,000,000,000 in unpaid revenue or indeed signing any paperwork in relation to the setting up of about 20 bogus companies. He would like about 200 other cases to be taken into consideration as well."
"Tombola Cheesecake."
"Indeed, and how long has he suffered this disability?"
"Since the summons arrived....oh bollox!! Sorry Robert."
"I'll get you for that, you bastard."
"It seems we have a particularly tragic case here. I can only sympathise with Mr Saunders' disability and recognise how much hard work must go into running a multinational corporation with such a debilitating illness. He has my deepest sympathy. Yet the demands of the law mean that I have to pass an appropriate sentence reflecting the seriousness of the crime and so I sentence Mr Saunders to be sent to bed without any butter pudding tonight."
"Oh, M'lud!!"
"Hard I know, but sometimes the rule of law has to be seen to intervene in such serious cases. I only hope Mr Saunders will learn from this and promise (scout's honour) that he will be more careful in future in covering his tracks. Then such sentences would not need to be passed."
"I am pretty certain my client has learned from his experience today and won't do it again. By the way is the lodge meeting still on for Tuesday?"
"Yes, it's being held at my place this week, the grand master has the flu. See you both there, I hope."
Hmm... that felt awfully familiar.
Diagnosis[edit]
The diagnosis is made primarily on the say-so of a patient's relatives. (The relatives will notice that their kin is doing unusual things, such as flooding their houses when asleep or leaving the stove on without a pot, heiling Hitler, or driving a car without all four wheels on). This is particularly important, as sufferers will tend to minimise their symptoms in order to escape confinement. Those affected by AD may also display paranoid tendencies; a common delusion is that they are perfectly fine, and that their own families are attempting to dispose of them. Persons making such claims are clearly not in full control of their faculties, and should be relieved of their life savings and liberty immediately, so as not to burden the sound of mind.
Symptoms[edit]
The first signs of AD are usually forgetfulness, over such things as the day of the week, your sex, your mother's brother's maiden name, your own name, and where you left the Toilet roll. This quickly progresses to an avoidance of contact with the outside world, and a fondness for puerile entertainments like the Teletubbies or the Disney Channel. AD is also known to be absolutely hilarious.
Duration of the disease is unknown, as following diagnosis, AD sufferers are promptly ostracised from their community and left to rot in "Alzheims".And thats whats up!
Symptons[edit]
The first signs of AD are usually forgetfulness, over such things as the day of the week, your sex, your mother's brother's....oh have I? Oh sorry. Moving on.....
Symptons[edit]
The first signs of AD are usually the 3.15 from Wigan which has a dining car and is only £7.50 return on anyday apart from the 5th of march which is when they all used to put on flowery robes and.......Sorry? What do you mean off topic? Oh suit yourself!
Risk factors[edit]
- advancing age
- sitting on a great fat inheritance
- exposure to heavy metals, including aluminum, Slayer, and Pantera
- Shitting of lively ferrets (see Ronald Reagan)
Charities[edit]
There has been a charity set up to help raise funds for research into AD with a number of shops selling donated items. However, they haven't been very successful due to a lack of sales and donations because people would forget the location of the shop.
Symptons[edit]
The first signs of applesquash fairycake are......now now language language...show some respect! Now, where was I again? Oh right, the pumpkin pie tray. Whatever that's for.
Treatment[edit]
This is no known cure for AD. Apart from confinement, the only treatment available for AD sufferers is to be made into Soylent Green, or leaving them to wander around. (A few AD sufferers have been known to go from New York City to Anchorage in an attempt to find their way to their home in Houston, Texas.)
You were such a darling child! How come you people hardly visit me any more? You were such a darling child! Last week we had chicken soup with cabbage in it. Or was that the week before? You were such a lovely child! Could you change the channel for me? I'm just wondering...how come you don't visit me? What've you got on that rag? It smells funny.
Wait.. what?
