Aaron Rodgers
“Anyone who plays quarterback in Green Bay is a loser.”
“Oh, that's where my belt went!”
Aaron Rodgers is the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. He replaced Brett Favre, which was a work of cheek not matched since Jesus Christ declared himself to be God's own replacement.
Rodgers is a man of the people, mostly fantasy league people, but it still counts. Rodgers was sent to Disneyworld where he had to fight off thousands of angry Bears fans to return to his peaceful home in The Shire.
Running game[edit]
The running game this season consisted of John Kuhn and Brandon Jackson. This duo was all that remained after the Battle of Endor. However, Rodgers, wielding the lightning powers bestowed upon him by the great Clay Matthews III, Rodgers was able to run the ball himself, even defeating Oscar Wilde in a footrace from Wisconsin to the Taj Mahal
Offensive line[edit]
Unfortunately Aaron Rodgers got sacked, a lot, something that never happened to Brett Favre in the history of his 19 (million) year career. Favre would jump on top of the pass rush, stand on their heads, and throw a rocket pass down field to nobody that would kill at least three defenders before he caught it himself. Aaron Rodgers... couldn't do that. But Rodgers did win Super Bowl MVP, which is something that "God himself" never did.
Defense[edit]
Every play against the 2008 Packers defense was a touchdown. Until 2009 when the Packers brought in Dom Capers. Capers then said, "I pity the fool!" and the Packers defense never gave up another score until Tom Brady impregnated another supermodel.
Wind[edit]
Clay Matthews III controls the wind. (and everything else for that matter)
Mayan calendar[edit]
In December of 2012, the whole world was scheduled to come to a screeching, blood-curdling halt. You have to admit that it's a distraction, right? Not for Rodgers, who continued to play football under a 13 mile-deep glacier, leagues of cold and dark water, and the inevitable rise to power of Prince, who became the dictator of the world.
Snap count[edit]
If you're watching a Packers game and you see Aaron Rodgers at the line of scrimmage, there's a good chance you'll hear him yell "Blue 58!". This is because, due to a huge misconception, Rodgers actually created the Roman Numeral system. In 200 B.C. the Romans, tired of requiring 13 scholars to calculate his passer rating, get the idea for the numeral system from hearing Rodgers snap-counts.
Yes, it's his fault[edit]
After all of these expert observations as to why it may not be Rodger's fault, it's still his fault.
- Brett Favre is God. (Who happens to have an equal number of Super Bowl rings as Rodgers, so really is the God)
- Brett Favre would have made the defense worse by throwing consecutive interceptions near the Packer's own red-zone.
- Brett Favre would have been productive when it came to 4th quarter comebacks. Productive in this case meaning able to get 5 yards downfield before throwing an interception rather than going 50 and Mason Crossbar missing a field-goal kick.
- Brett Favre is God who was recently demoted to Rick Roll
- Aaron Rodgers is a God.
Personal Life[edit]
Although claims of family issues have been made, Rodgers puts a high emphasis on friends. He often calls his good friend Jay Cutler but never gets through because Cutler's phone is intercepted by millions of bear's fans saying they want the last 7 years of their lives back. They became pals when Cutler gave away the 2010 NFC championship. No known contact between Rodgers and Cutler has been recorded since March 9th, 2017.