A Guide for Freshers

Many freshers (first year university students) find many aspects of university life confusing. And really, who could blame them? Universities contain a hell of a lot more buildings than any schools. This makes finding the locations of your classes somewhat similar to finding a needle in a Mount Everest sized haystack.

This is why this guide is essential reading for all freshmen. Taking something to a lecture theatre that should not be there could be one of the biggest mistakes you ever make.

Things that should be taken to a lecture

Stationery and paper

Hopefully this one is fairly obvious. Writing stuff in lectures is a good idea. It is an even better idea if you actually write the stuff that the lecturer is teaching you. Contrary to popular belief, lecturers are actually there for a reason.

Clothing

Clothing is essential for all university lectures. It is also preferable that the clothing is actually worn, instead of leaving it on your desk or throwing it around the lecture theatre. A recent worldwide survey revealed that 91% of university students did not realise that a person could be arrested for public nudity, and 16% had at least once attended a lecture naked. Turning up to a lecture naked will almost certainly result in you being expelled from the lecture, and possibly even the course. In short, spending at least $20 US on clothing could save you thousands of dollars in fees.

Things that should not be taken to a lecture

Due to the frequent stupidity of duck-toting freshers, most university students and lecturers have learnt to ignore ducks.

While there are hundreds of things that should never be taken to a lecture, this guide is too short to include all of them. Instead of this, we will count down the five worst things that could possibly be brought to a lecture, and rate them according to their scent, noise, deadliness and general irritation.

5. A Duck

Many University campuses around the world have duck ponds. Sadly, many students get the idea that the ducks are supposed to be taken into lectures. This is not the case. Ducks actually freak out when taken into rooms with lots of people, and will fly around the room quacking and spraying bodily waste everywhere.

• Smell: 3/5
• Noise: 3/5
• General irritation: 5/10
• Deadliness: 10/30 (Duck faeces can spread E-coli bacteria).
• Overall badness: 21/50

4. A Fender Stratocaster & Marshall Amp

If you have just bought an expensive electric guitar, you have a right to be proud of yourself. However, you should not think this makes you über-cool, and you most certainly should not use it in areas where people are trying to learn.

• Smell: 0/5
• Noise: 5/5
• General irritation: 8/10 (Depends on whether you are a Hendrix or a Moleman).
• Deadliness: 15/30 (Guitars are very deadly if used as a weapon).
• Overall badness: 28/50

Although Jimi Hendrix was first noticed performing in empty lecture theatres, this doesn't mean you should try the same trick.

3. Cow Manure

Even if you are a plant biology student, you do not need to bring your own gardening products to university, and certainly not to lectures. If you do make this mistake, leave the bag of manure outside the lecture theatre, unopened. Throwing the manure at your lecturer may have somewhat negative consequences towards your final marks for the unit.

• Smell: 5/5
• Noise: 2/5 (Depends on whether or not you also brought the cow).
• General irritation: 8/10 (Depends on what exactly you are doing with the manure – I’ll leave this to your imagination).
• Deadliness: 16/30 (E-coli).
• Overall badness: 31/50

2. A Giant Squid

Look, for all the Giant Squid fans out there, I am not dissing Giant Squid here. I may not be a fan of Giant Squid, but I do respect them more than you probably think. Okay, now could you please put down the shotgun?

• Smell: 5/5 (Have you ever smelt a dead squid? Yeah, I didn’t think so).
• Noise: 3/5 (The noise a squid makes when squirting ink is rather disturbing).
• General irritation: 9/10 (Depends. I won’t say any more).
• Deadliness: 15/30 (Squid ink is deadly if ingested. Many people do not know this).
• Overall badness: 32/50

1. A vial containing the Ebola virus

If you are stupid enough to bring the Ebola virus to a lecture…I don’t want to know you.

• Smell: 5/5 (When everyone is dead, of course).
• Noise: 0/5
• General irritation: 10/10 (Yes, death is rather irritating).
• Deadliness: 30/30
• Overall badness: 45/50