ACORN
Acorn is an organization of paid volunteers who work to make sure the Dallas Cowboys don't forget to vote. Many view the Dallas Cowboys as a very wise and natural leader of America. The problem in the past has been these great men are on the road a lot in many different cities in many different states and sometimes even in foreign nations. ACORN is an acronym that stands for All Cowboys Officially Registered Nationally.
2008 Election[edit]
Thanks to the recent help of ACORN, voting is even easier! Just vote in the box below for who you want to be President. Acorn is a bipartisan voter registration group. Enjoy your choices and pick wisely.
You are not entitled to view results of this poll.
History[edit]
The ACORN that we know today started out quite differently. Originally they were only trying to register the offensive line and the organization was called Some Cowboys Officially Registered Nationally - SCORN. SCORNs discrimination against the defense was viewed as offensive, even by special teams. Thus SCORN turned into ACORN and became the popular organization that it is today. Please note that ACORN is not an organization that Barack Obama supports as they clearly favor the Dallas Cowboys over the Chicago Bears. It is believed that the Dallas Cowboys lean heavily to John McCain. ACORN shares the vision of the media and even with corrective glasses is still legally blind. Most ACORN members are left handed and also lean that way which makes them underhanded. Occasionally an ACORN paid volunteer will register a real voter who isn't a Dallas Cowboy because as Obama says "You can put lipstick on a blind hog but it can still find an ACORN sometimes." ACORN members could accidently register a real voter. Unlikely but it could happen.
In a similar fashion ACORN makes sure that all eligible voters register and cast their vote for correctly, politically speaking. Many voters don't understand voting or elections and they need help. ACORN can help them vote. ACORN searchs all the common places where unregistered voters likely congregate. This includes but is not limited to: combing skid-rows, trailer-parks and "disenfranchised neighborhoods" in the end-zone for unregistered Dallas Cowboys, that may include: homeless, crack-heads, tweakers, schizophreniacs, low-lifes, bottom-feeders, - you know Dallas Cowboys. It may also include people that don't speak English very well or can't speak English at all and registering to vote for them, sometimes without their knowledge or consent. Here ACORN members can facilitate these people in registering before they are caught an deported. ACORN commonly registers Dallas Cowboys using fake addresses - fast-food restaurants, hospitals, homeless shelters, cemeteries, libraries, used car lots, etc.
Potential voters can also be found in obituaries - just because one is deceased does not mean that their franchise has also expired, mental institutions - many in Congress started out here, football teams besides the Dallas Cowboys - this is just wrong! In so many words, there is no limit on the potential and skill in the ACORN scheme to find the Dallas Cowboys where ever they may be and to make them into good citizens.
Bias[edit]
ACORN makes sure that all unbeknownst voters that may have some voting-handicap register and cast their vote for Barrack Obama, even though he is not Fair and Balanced toward the Cowboys. Many ACORN volunteers think that Obama was a Dallas Cowboy and seem to favor him. McCain attempted to counter this by pointing out his "maverick" tendancies but ACORN has classified him as a Cardinal.
Methods[edit]
Just like some folks go to the races to bet on horses, ACORN bets on potential voters or votees to vote for Obama. This includes (but is not limited to): combing skid-rows, trailer-parks, half-way homes, Seltzer Chemicals, homeless shelters and "disenfranchised neighborhoods" for eligible potential Obama voters, that may include: homeless, crack-heads, tweakers, schizophreniacs, low-lifes, free-loaders, bottom-feeders, people that "don't-speak-english-very-well' or "can't-speak-english-at-all" or "can't-spell-their-own-name-correctly" and registering them to vote for Obama, sometimes without their knowledge or consent.
This may include registering Obama voters using fake addresses - fast-food restaurants, hospitals, homeless shelters, cemeteries, libraries, Cash Advance stores, Bail Bonds parlors, etc.
Potential Obama voters can also be found in obituaries, mental institutions, football teams, inside hospitals as comatose patients or complete basket cases. In so many words, there is no limit on the potential and skill in the ACORN scheme or sham to produce Obama voters.
Example: you may (or may not) be "undecided", or may want to vote for Ralph Nader, or maybe John McCain, or better yet not at all - you don't have to worry, ACORN still feels that you may want to vote for Obama. If your name is in some obituary it doesn't mean your wouldn't want to vote for Obama.
Finding the Cowboys[edit]
The Dallas Cowboys are very wealthy from endorsements, investments and oh yes Football. Due to their popularity people are always seeking them out to sign autographs, coach soccer teams and lift heavy things. To avoid this the Dallas Cowboys move around a lot and try to be hard to find (especially for narcotics officiers). When an election approached highly trained Acorn agents, often accompanied by bloodhound and AWACS planes searched likely hangouts of the Cowboys. The Dallas Cowboys are unlikely to be in Dallas ever and were in Irving (where Texas Stadium was) only for (football) games. The Dallas Cowboys are often seen in Las Vegas, Ohio and Pennsylvania - traditional dens of iniquity looking for fun. Acorn had to scramble to find the Cowboys and became successful because they looked in nontraditional places - bars, under bridges, on basketball courts. Tony Romo and Terrell Owens have now been registered in 19 states 53 an 49 times respectively. All other Dallas Cowboys including special teams have been registered in at least 9 states, often several times.
Prostitution[edit]
Having experts in many fields, Acorn has realized that it can provide consulting services. This, of cource, is free so that they can keep their 501(c) status. Acorn is most notable for giving a pimp recomendations for how to harbor little girls from hispanic countries.
Expanding it mission[edit]
Acorn has been so successful in registering the Cowboys, it has rewritten its charter to register former players, players of other teams, other sports, and even those who aren't good at sports like celebrities, bartenders and investment bankers. This came about after football players in Boston who shall remain nameless called Acorn "Unpatriotic". The Houston Oilers moved from Texas with no forwarding address in protest. Acorn, not wanted to be Scorned again started registering other teams players but this time decided to keep the Acorn name.
Future[edit]
Acorn has been looking into registering nurses, guns and cash. Bill Gates has been in contact with Acorn to see if they could register dlls. Recently an Acorn representative in California registered an earthquake.
Controversy[edit]
ACORN has been criticized for favoring Republican candidates too much.