Wonky Frog

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I don't really know what it is, but it sure is a reason to lock the house up.”

~ Concerned, Paranoid Parent on Woggen Froggen

“If I ever see this thing I will ravage its head with a lawnmower, sure thing, if I can remember what it looks like.”

~ Worried Lake Zurich Citizen on Woggen Froggen

The Dutch-named Woggen Froggen is a creature of the divine frog variation that is unique to the Northwest Chicago suburb of Lake Zurich. Some residents have theorized that the creature arose as the result of a frog breeding with hard radium and other nuclear material including general misery, along with alcohol residue in empty bottles thrown in the town's lake by residents in the late 1920s. The latter is the reason, aside from the name of "Woggen Froggen", this species has also been referred to as the "Prohibition Frog". The name "Woggen Froggen" comes from the Lake Zurichian Dutch phrase meaning "Wonky Frog", which derives from the fact that the frog is noticeably wonky in its movements, before the term "wonky" carried positive connotations in the English language.

Birth of the Woggen Froggen Species[edit]

On July 23, 1927, a great sound of over 4 decibels resembling a human burp was the sound heard by no one from all sides of the lake save for one man calling himself "The Boat Guy", who was widely known in town as the homeless man living on the lake in a small row boat fitted with an open toilet. "I heard a great 'womp womp' in the water one day, out near the edge of the water," he told the local paper, Untitled Daily. "It was quite a wonky sound. Then I saw the thing hop up out of the water like an insomniac on that new stuff heroin. Derned frog had to be five inches long, at least. Biggest derned frog I ever saw. Then it hopped across the lake to the beach like some kid derned skipped a rock along the water, only the rock was a frog! Thing was in a hurry, probably hungry... or thirsty, if frogs get thirsty."

The meeting place for the Dutch Colonial Council of Lake Zurich

The local supreme beings and wise old men of the Dutch Colonial Council of Lake Zurich came together and discussed the stark possibility of a new species of frog having been birthed in the town, and came to the consensus that it was dangerous, based on its apparent ability to hop on water like Jesus. Based on the description of "wonky" provided by The Boat Guy, the Council came up with the name Woggen Froggen, using the Lake Zurichian Dutch language. They put a "red label" on the creature in The Big Book of Lake Zurich Things, as they had with all dangerous creatures indigenous to Lake Zurich, including the Native Americans who used to live there.

First Victims[edit]

Peter Gravy[edit]

On October 24, 1929, a local resident, Peter Gravy, was working on his "onion garden" (which was, after the incident, discovered to be weed) at his Lions Road home when a croak was heard nearby. According to Gravy, this croak was unlike any he'd heard, and thought at first he'd simply smoked too many "onions". The Woggen Froggen then proceeded to jump up onto Gravy's house and take large pink-green dumps on it, only resting after it had eaten through the roof with its dagger-like iron teeth, and hopped into the fireplace. Terrified, Gravy set a fire in the fireplace and shut the little door on the thing with a match drenched in lighter fluid. Screams could be heard, sounding like a rowdy crowd after a home run, according to Gravy.

The creature then managed to crawl up the chimney and jumped back down into the home through the roof, and bit Gravy's forearm.

1929 police composite sketch based on Peter Gravy's witness account

Gravy then squashed the Woggen Froggen until it died, but not before it started swaying from side to side on the floor and "making sounds like a broken record." Gravy kept his eyes out for the Froggen following the attack, though he forgot what the creature looked like apart from the teeth because it was heavily charred by the time he could get a clear look at it.

Gryll Plinker[edit]

From his 1930 testimonial, which he gave to the Dutch Colonial Council: "I was walkin' 'round the corner of the Sud n' Buds place down there by the lake and this damn frog hoppity hopped up onto my face, pulled my nose and tried to crawl up it. It damn near tore my right nostril off, and then it sucked on my forehead like a sucker kind of thing. Then it bit my forehead and when I figured out that something was really wrong and could react, it jumped off and hopped away down Main Street. I watched that little emerald-colored bastard make it half a mile, while shouting at people around me what it done so a policeman could do somethin' like arrest it or somethin', and then it hopped under the wheel of a car. Damn thing lived, then got run over by the back wheel on the other side when it hopped again. It lived, like it was made of stone, but limpin' this time, and then it crawled on the grass, all sad like, and then it died, all sad like."

After this particular incident, the Woggen Froggen hadn't been spotted for almost fifty years, as if the species had simply two members.

Subsequent Victims[edit]

One cold night on July 7, 1977, a man was walking down Main Street when the Woggen Froggen appeared ahead of him on the sidewalk. According to the man, they had a staring contest which the Woggen Froggen lost and then, apparently a sore loser, decided to hop fifteen feet onto the man's groin area. It then ate through his pants and bit the insides of both the man's thighs, apparently making a statement of some kind like it could have bitten his dick, but chose not to out of either decency or simple taunting. This incident proved the creature's intelligence to the community.

Another blisteringly hot night on December 17, 1983, a woman was walking home from the grocery store with a bag of apple fritters when the Woggen Froggen chose to have a showdown once more. The woman dropped her bag and the Froggen leapt over to the fritters, ate them, and took off. The Lake Zurich Council (which was no longer Dutch Colonial at that point) concluded that the Froggen was easily deterred by apple fritters.

On the hectic evening of January 12, 1987, a man who had customarily placed a bag of apple fritters on the front porch of his home for the Froggen (as was the common practice of all Lake Zurich residents at that time) discovered upon opening his front door that the Froggen had eaten all but one of the fritters, and instead chose to watch him as he looked down at the creature. The two had a staring contest, which the man lost, and the Froggen hopped into the man's house regardless and proceeded to ransack every room, leaving out the back door with a bag of chips after the man chased him around the home.

Other sightings to-date[edit]

A more recent composite sketch of the Woggen Froggen, courtesy of an anonymous 32-year-old balding witness, who manages the local Walgreen's.

Though no close encounters have been experienced or reported since the 80s, the Woggen Froggen has been spotted on occasion, often appearing at random in front of residents and visitors in order to start staring contests. The Froggen hasn't lost a single contest since, and seems to be content and leaves peacefully once the person loses, and somehow people forget what the creature looks like apart from the eyes, which are always described as a heavenly mint green. On occasion, it will gyrate in circles while keeping its legs firmly planted in place, and it has remained undetermined if the creatures want to evoke a specific reaction from people or if they simply wish to encounter people to stay socially active in the community. It is also unknown how many members of the species still exist, or if a revolutionary attack on par with Planet of the Apes (or that even better movie Frogs) will occur. People have killed many frogs in the town in an attempt to rid the town of the nuisance, but all those killed have turned out to have been either generic bullfrogs or toads.

As of January 2017, one resident on the far North side of town has claimed to have spotted the Wonky Frog slowly traversing across the tops of cars on the highway, screeching all the while. The 14-year-old father of two claimed that the scream was "like this massive constant thunder taking a giant dump on glass." He further stated that he witnessed the frog reach the end of the traffic before finally climbing up a telephone pole and electrocuting itself on one of the cables. It then "flew away" on a wave of electricity into the sky. The frog's intentions behind this incident remain a mystery.