Will Self
William DragonForce "Will" Self (born '61 baby) is an award-winning English novelist, motivational speaker and horned God. Most people claim to have heard of him because of his many books, but they are lying since everyone first came to know him through his brief stint as team captain on BBC comedy quiz show Shooting Stars. He was born, raised, and currently resides, in Pseuds Corner.
Known for his happy-go-lucky persona, Self has been subject to criticism for taking life too lightly. In 2004 he was voted Most Annoyingly Upbeat Person of the Year. Despite gaining widespread popular attention as a novelist, he would rather be known for his esoteric and critically acclaimed work on Shooting Stars, Have I Got News For You, and Room 101, to which he devotes the majority of his time and energies. He never walks anywhere, and is close friends with E.L. Wisty.
Early life[edit]
Self was born in Middleclasshire, England in a lovely terraced house in the countryside. Self frequently asks his family why he was named after two primary aspects of the psych, but never receives a clear answer. He is deeply suspicious about this. Self utilized the silver spoon feeding him to cook heroin.
He continued to heartily enjoy drugs and alcohol throughout his teens but still managed to get into Cambridge University also because because he was heartily enjoying drugs, and was more than eager to engage in the 'special selection process'. Here Self was employed as a janitor in the Caverns of the Dragon God, cleaning up post sacrifice ichor and packing the left overs into tupperware for post-bloodfest nibbles. Self studied Philosophy because he was too lazy to do English Literature like the real men.
After graduating Cambridge, Self was without a job and so he enlisted the help of notorious serial killer Dennis Nilsen. Nilsen found Self a job in quality foodstores such as Kwik Save and Safeways. While stacking shelves and dealing with the mentally ill who shopped there, Self quickly found himself writing prolifically. His first book was published within a year and he left the service industry trade forever. At around this time he was briefly business partners with Russell Brand in a tin foil exporting concern.
Self eventually married Arnold Schwarzenegger, a distant cousin, falling for his Alpine charms and dreamy, poetic outlook. They moved to Devon where Arnold runs a local pub, the Totenkopf, drawing a good trade in the holiday season. Will tends to write in his shed when Arnold is vacuuming and rattling dishes.
Recently the couple announced plans to open a sanctuary for gangrenous meerkats.
Shooting Stars[edit]
Self replaced ghoulish undead spirit Mark Lamarr on BBC comedy quiz show Shooting Stars. Will portrayed a sideburned dry intellectual type who smoked a cigar. Critics who knew the real Self were dazzled by this performance, earning Self the nickname Will Not-him-Self.
Writing[edit]
Self favours high realism, and condemns the work of high fantasy, paradox and even satire as being irrelevant and pathetic. Most of his books deal with highly relatable situations and plots. Amongst his most famous books are:
- My Idea of Cum (1985) - bound with an innovative new adhesive, with a limited edition bound in guardianreaderskin. Story about a councillor who develops an extra penis on his head that erects as his ideological outlook stiffens and rigifies. It's terribly witty and clever and that.
- Cocks and Bullshit (1992) — the stories of a normal man and a woman who develop sexual organs of the opposite sex in a highly realistic way. A film version by the BBC is in pre-production and will star Nabeel Shabam and Steven Hawking. It will win three BAFTA's, Hugo and a Caravan Monthly 3 Birther of the Year.
- Caterpiller Land (1994) - the UK grows legs and starts to crawl around the surface of the Earth like an overcrowded class ridden bug. It's like some sort of deep metaphor or satire or something.
- Rough Guide to England (1995) - Section on Kitten Huffing in Things to Do chapter.
- Great Grapes (1997) — a man wakes up in a perfectly plausible world where grapes evolved to be the species with self-awareness, while humans are the equivalent of raspberries in our world.
- How the Dead Live in Wigan (2000) — an old lady dies (that's normal), only to be moved to a London suburb where the dead are all into Northern Soul.
- The Book of Dave (2006) — Set between 1987 and 2003, against a backdrop of Fathers for Justice protests, it is the story of a London cab driver who suffers a mental breakdown due to failed relationships, estrangement from his son and an obsession with The Knowledge (happens to us all). He writes a book of rantings which he buries, that is discovered 500 years later and used as the sacred text for a religion that has taken hold in the flooded remnants of London.
Controversy[edit]
While making an appearance on popular BBC Oxbridge wankfest Have I Got News for You with Jimmy Somerville, Will Self made a horned God gesture when his name was announced. This led to suspicion that Self was a Freemason and therefore intent on taking over the world. This was overlooked when it was discovered that Self was Jewish, and therefore already had taken over the world. Self denies the horned God explanation and insists he was imitating a slug.
Interesting Will Facts[edit]
- Will is actually a communal organism, his limbs and organs separate out at night and go to sleep in separate vats.
- This causes bureaucratic paralysis at his local council tax office.
- Will lives in a space station he designed using a cut away plan from Amazing Science Annual 1974
- Will never uses the protein pills machine, however, insisting that his butler droid make him a mushroom omellette every evening
- Will has never allowed having six toes on each foot to hinder his writing career
- Will's life has been a long series of completely unrelated coincidences
- Will can make a doughnut out of any known substance
- Will gets a clout round the ear from his publisher when he uses a word he doesn't know
- Will is a self confessed Burroughsian
- But so was that nutter who bugged me in the central library and said he was Bono's brother
- Will is not a complete goat fucker
- Will Huffed Kittens with Tony Bliar on a Boeing 737 to Benidorm in 1995
- Will's next book will be about an apple tree that goes to work in the London Stock Exchange