Why?:Won't time travel be invented?

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“I'm not giving that one up!”

~ God on Time traveling

Ahh time travel. Yes, ever since the dawn of time man wanted to go back or forwards in it. Whether you've just smashed your new car or paid good money for a hooker that turned out to have an STD. You too probably at least once bought a De Lorean and accelerated it to 88 miles per hour, just to see if you would see some serious shit. I know I have. But alas, I will make it clear today that time travel will never be invented in any of our lifetimes. Here's why.

You're wrong, you idiot

Ironically I am the original author of this article. What I have written below is completely wrong and I should know because I wrote it. You can read on, but realize it's all complete bollox. I left it here for historical reasons and to make sure Amy Stample doesn't die. Please don't delete it.

Oh, I somehow turned British while I traveled back here.

The Time travel Paradox

I, an Uncyclopedian, am writing these exact words at round abouts 10:20 GMT on the 21st of October 2007. Now, I dare anybody with the capability of time travel some time in the future to create this page before me with the words "You're wrong, you idiot" in it. Go on, go back in time. Do it.

Take your 16 core piece of crap laptop with you. With your fancy petabyte hard drive and everything. Just don't bring your music along. I've seen the decline of popular music in the past 15 years and I don't want to know where it's heading. Bring a jacket too. What, with global warming and all I gather you might get a bit cold in our climate. Also, if you're black, you might want to prepare yourself with for a bit of stupid actions toward you. Also, stay away from cigarettes. They were finally banned for a reason. It's not really the cancer or anything, but it just wasn't worth all the fucking effort anymore, you know, people bitched if you lit a cigarette in your own home even if you lived under the ocean a hundred miles from the nearest piece of plankton.

Also, people iron their clothes here and you might want to too if you want to fit in. Maybe I should explain... You see, what they do is they spend an enormous amount of time every week taking a piece of heated metal and rubbing it all over their clean clothes to make it look straight. Yeah, I'm kinda surprised that no-one said "what the fuck" yet either. I gather there was at least some mass anti-ironing movement in the future. Well here's to hoping anyway. And just so you won't be shocked, they're still having wars too. And there's widespread famine in certain areas of the world that people don't seem to do anything about except make internet scams out of. Maybe if they spent less energy on making their clothes look straight...

But wait, there's more

Now herein lies a bit of a problem. You see, when I searched for this article just now it didn't exist. So, inevitably either time travel wasn't invented, or no-one bothered to respond to this (which I doubt, not that I think I'm important but come on, they have all the time in the world really and they should get bored some time). So why should I create it in the first place if nothing is going to happen? But if I didn't, how the hell were they supposed to know in the first place? So there's a bit of thinking involved there that I'm too lazy to do so I'm just going to play the "meh" card. Heck it really actually sounds like one of those Zen Buddhist questions. You know, like "what is the sound of ones hand clapping?" or "why do some people like Micheal Jackson?" Ahh! Stupid Temporal paradox making me think too hard.

But what if UnCyclopedia was to be deleted before someone invented time travel? Or the whole internet? Or what if English evolved so much before then that people wouldn't understand a word I'm saying? Well in that case "fuck you, you future archaeologists looking down onto our 'primitive yet impressive' technologies." Ha! I showed them. I insulted them when they couldn't understand me! I hope they feel belittled by my brilliant and brutal attack! I'm 1337! So maybe my idea wasn't foolproof at all. So maybe we'll never know if time travel is possible. So maybe I'll just have to pay for the damages I caused in that fender bender and start taking those ARV's.