Kitty porn
It's late in the evening, or maybe late in the early morning. You're at the end of a trying day of work, playing xBox, and being bored. Your girlfriend, boyfriend, or whoever, is fast asleep dreaming of spending time with someone other than you. You've tucked your kids, grandkids, mother, father, or grand parents into bed and sat down to find some spank material to take care of business before hitting the hay yourself.
Channel after channel you find nothing on and are momentarily about to declare the evening a disappointing loss. At last, you find yourself enthralled in a feline-oriented program on Animal Planet, and to your great surprise, you're semi-aroused. "How did this happen?" you think. "Is this really an efficient usage of my alone time? I guess I was looking for some pussy anyway. Should I really do this? The answer is yes, go ahead and masturbate freely. It is perfectly natural to find basic animal attraction sexy. You're certain that cats have been coughing up balls well before the French claimed to have invented oral sex.
The Pussy Knows It's Dirty
Fear Not. Relax. Take a deep breath and let your anxiety go (you won't be graded on your performance here). You can rest assured you are certainly not the first person to fall victim to the subtle eroticism of kitty porn, you are certainly not the first person to find the genre momentarily attractive, and you certainly won't be the last person to pleasure yourself to it. Felines possess many sensual qualities that have been proven alluring to hundreds (maybe thousands) of both men and women alike, making the genre a hardcore cult phenomenon amongst dedicated pornoisseurs.
Make no mistake about it, those devilish little kittens know exactly what they are doing to you (no sense suffering blue balls or an achy vag now). Cats take great enjoyment in mocking the simplicity of the human sex drive. For instance, a cat's predilection for purring is an evolved instinctual trait specifically developed to arouse humans via the vibration (it's a known fact that cats never purr outside the presence of a human). A kitty's constant exhibition of how to use your tongue in a desirable manner is a prime example of a how a cat freely displays its dirty primordial sexuality. Over time, kittens' innate flexibility have inspired countless sexual maneuvers never before fathomed by man, but currently practiced today by everyone from traditional porn stars to to your average Joe.
Initial Reactions To Viewing Pussy In Porn
Early viewings of the extremely lurid intoxicating art form often lead to feelings of confusion and deviance. You'll wonder, "Did someone turn the heat up in here? Was I already drunk when I started? If so, does that make this more ethically acceptable? Am I into bestiality?" The answer is NO!! (...well maybe...)
Kitty porn is not a form of bestiality. Bestiality is defined as sexual acts perpetrated between humans and another species; kitty porn is pure hot feline-on-feline action (except in rare hardcore videos where heavy petting is involved). You may wonder, "Is this really art or is it just smut?" Well, if you're asking yourself that question, you already know the answer. It doesn't have the gore of a snuff flick, the sense of fiction of that lesbian shit (those girls just never really look into it), or the sheer out and out creepiness of kiddie porn (though the two are often confused with each other when the topic of favorite internet sites is discussed). Kitty porn shares the delightful ambiance of your garden variety porn while still maintaining an overwhelming sense of an exotic adventure (much like when you first pranced around the living room in your sister's prom dress). It is beyond a shadow of a doubt the last bastion of your pornographic imagination.
Warning: Kitty Porn Is Not For Everyone
Before even struggling to decide whether or not to enjoy the enchantment of kitty porn, you should know it is not intended for just any average pornoisseur. Single individuals living alone should never watch kitty porn, as they are obviously unstable and may be prone to performing lewd and unnatural acts not intended by God (like pouring beer on their cereal, eating it, and then performing forcible coitus on a Nerf football). People under the age of twenty-five should avoid the genre until they have explored and depleted the capabilities of your standard genres of porn; standardized porn has many splendors to revel in, which oft times get totally ignored by children who come across kitty porn at too early of an age (obviously rare exceptions can be made).
Other groups that should avoid kitty porn include: those with congenital heart defects or an irregular heartbeat (unless consulted by a physician), people with substance abuse problems (unless consulted by a spiritual adviser), and dogs (unless consulted by a cat). Kitty porn is truly intended to be experimented with only by those with no other immediate course of action to take (only they can appreciate the longterm possibilities of the genre).
Possible Side Effects
Though few studies have been done on the effects kitty porn has on the human body, several symptoms have presented themself in cases. In every instance, the subjects developed a rapid heartbeat, elevated pulse, and began panting, cottonmouth, clammy palms, and/or both penile and vaginal discharge. In frequent but less common cases, the subjects were overwhelmed by a state of euphoria, an uncontrollable smile and/or drowsiness, were interested in cat ownership and/or marriage.
Suspected side effects that can not be clinically proven to be caused be kitty porn include blindness, watching more porn, tickling a baby, dancing, and/or being arrested. Kitty porn has been proven highly addictive and should be used with the utmost caution.
Acceptance and Benefits
Eventually most kitty porn viewers grow to accept it. You'll realize a few major similarities between you and your favorite feline. Your cat washes its ass, you wash your ass. Your cat eats food and breathes air, you eat food and breathe air. Your cat enjoys unexpected naps in the afternoon, you enjoy unexpected naps in the afternoon. Your cat watches kitty porn, you must watch kitty porn. As right as it all feels, one should never openly express or allude to their love of the genre, as it is still not accepted by mainstream culture as being "Cool" or "Ethical". Choosing to take on the burden of choosing kitty porn over the countless other varieties of pornography available does come with many benefits.
First, you'll never feel guilty again when you get that lost look in your eyes, and your lover asks, "What are you thinking about?" and you answer, "Beautiful beautiful kittens." Second, kitty porniacs blend in with millions of cat lovers around the world, so you'll never have to be ashamed when you buy a copy of Cat Fancy at your local convenience store. Third, it is still legal in every country around the world to purchase, view, film, distribute, produce, direct, and participate in kitty porn (short of penetration). Lastly, you'll always know what you're getting when viewing kitty porn (no surprise squirters, no protruding sphincters, no strange birthmarks shaped like your great aunt's face, just good old fashioned pussy).
In the end, you'll know, kittens are unbelievably cute: kind of like Catholic school girls only different. It all might be strange, but then again we all are, and you were going to masturbate anyway! So, why watch kitty porn? Isn't "why not watch kitty porn" the ultimate question? At least the schmuck who wrote this did it while unveiling the majesty of kitty porn to the world, but you know your mom always told you answering a question with a question makes everyone sound like an asshole. It's late: just pop in the ol' kitty porn and go to sleep now.
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Featured version: 30 May 2008 |
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