Wheeling Jesuit University/Publications/Analysis of a Theory of Wang Biting
Analysis of a Theory of Wang Biting is an academic piece of theoretical writing authored by Pelikan of Wheeling Jesuit University. It was written and published in 2002, although it was rejected by a panel of historians headed by Prince Coxar.
The following is the paper reproduced in its entirety.
- "The statement given to me in the first few paragraphs in the work by Brubaker is that wang biting is the grouping of persons by common sexual preferences and bite styles. He does not state that wang biting is started by a shared religion, but more of a feeling that the 'homeland' AKA penile area is the greatest biting factor. He makes great strides in these conclusions by telling of the fall of the two greatest European powers in World War I, the Ottoman and Hapsburg empires. He states that the old-fashioned 'traditional wang empires' no longer work and are just archaic compared to the new 'homeland' wang biting."
- Levi Jackass Pelikan
Pelikan makes several erudite points in his discussion of what he terms to be "wang biting". In his later works, he coined several terms pertaining to this theory, including "wang communist" and "mega-wang", suggesting a fascination with comparative studies relating geopolitics to male genatalia. Naturally, his foray into this new study of history had been met with a great deal of hostility from the majority of the academic community, and most regards his theories as nothing more than a steaming pile of horseshit.
It is important to note that this melding of the study of history and sociology is not unprecedented at Wheeling Jesuit University - popular notions of "sponateous historical forces" guiding people mysteriously to pursue a set "historical path of progress" has led to many important relevations, including justification for the "unfortunate" German Volk who had "no choice" but to join the Nazi party during World War II.
Because of his groundbreaking work in the study of wang biting, Pelikan was heavily chastised by many professors at WJU and elsewhere, allowing him to finish his first year at the university with a mind-bogglingly low cumulative GPA (grade point average). Some critics suggest that his results are less to do with persecution than they are to do with playing Grand Theft Auto with an ass machine strapped to his forehead for several hours at a time.