Waterford

Waterford, or the Deise, is a squirrel strong hold in the nether regions of Ireland

The Beautiful County of Beautiful Bounty

It is famous for its long golden beaches and transparent crystal watches. Jesus spent much of his wild years in Waterford with a fragile dwarf colony and it is there that he invented his patented healing tecnique on an unfortunate syphilis victim. it is still thriving with sailor and political custom almost two thousand years later as a result of the publicity the son of God created. As a result Waterford is also thriving. Famous for a completely corrupt police force, the drug squad are habitually fired to joyous celibrations in the People's Park. Of course they are always rehired on a technicality to hideous shudders from the thriving Buckfast community living in Waterford's squats. If you ever go to Waterford be sure to be kind to screaming winos or else the otherwise friendly Waterfordonians will run long tendrils into every oriface and blast you full of their digestive juices, before carting you off to the hive centre known as Waterpark. It is not know what happens here.

The ongoing tribe wars

Since the county was created by the vikings when in need of a place to drop the anchor for a few hours and trade rubys for alcohol (hence the nightclub name), there has been ongoing war of words and sometimes hurley bats between them and their hat "Kilkenny". It is not known who started the war (but probably kilkenny) but it has raged for years with Waterfordites claiming that "dem black and amber shower of ****s keep cumin ovar the bridge boye. makin traffic, takin jobs and puttin hassle on our hooer's!!" the claim does have some foundation with recent studys done at 8.45 am on average monday mornings showing some 90% of kilkennys population migrating south the other 10% remaining to milk cattle and throw turf (and stave off depression by hurling training). The war will probably never be settled (as with many of the great ones) but when it reaches its most physical form in the shape of a hurley-bat contest the outcome has usually been one sided with Kilkenny claiming this to be the ultimate proof that they are better in every way (in reality only in hurley-bat terms). Waterfordos will still respond with the generic response given to them of "sur didnt we bate ya's in the leage foinal der a few years ago buoy!"

The war rages on.... John mullane ended the war on the 32rd of January with a loud yawn,Kilkenny's population left waterford and went back to kilkenny where the kilkenny famine began, father dick o shea died in a shoe box with his beloved boy between his lush thighs

Interesting Facts

• Waterford created a ban on hash brownies
• Waterford famously exports its breakable glass, fun for all the family.
• Cheese reigns supreme in The Deise. You don't fuck with the Kilmeadan.
• Robots are set to replace all children by 1997.
• Cats are for eating, dogs are for fishing.
• The average Waterfordian IQ is 576
• In Waterford, nobody can hear you scream.
• Waterford port is on county Kilkennys land.
• Waterford has a sister in St. John's, Canada
• Waterford runs on a 6 day week as most people sleep through Funday.
• People from Waterford do not believe in the colour yellow.
• The abbreviation of the name of the local college in Waterford (WIT) actually stands for Werewolf Interpretation Theory
• Boris The Clown lived in Waterford for 8 months
• Between 1852 and 1903, sexual intercourse was banned in Waterford, leading to a decline in population to an all-time low of 8 until Dickie O'Jaysus and Mary Hoore sealed their union, quite by accident, on December 31, 1903
• The "Blaa" is the staple diet of Waterfordians
• Studies have shown that Waterford people have the most contempt for their neighbours, moreso then any other county in Ireland,

the reason for this has been mainly attributed to the "shower of fools" surrounding them. (see kilkenny, cork, tipperary and wexford)

• the current population of Waterford cannot be calculated correctly as most Waterforianonians sleep most times of the day and night emerging only for a few hours at a time to visit "rooobies" or other such watering holes in the locale, therefore no accurate census has been taken in recent times. The last random headcount by the king of the dunmore road region Martin Cullen had it at around 70 million "give or take a few zeros" in his own words

Famous Children

• Waterford's most famous son is Oscar Wilde. He added the beautifully defining "e" shortly before leaving his homestead. This was in homage to his party people in the metroland. Of them he said "I dunno bouy, I am lost for words".

• John "ill play" O'Shea our main current soccer export whos is a self proclaimed "straight man trapped in a gay mans ass" is rumoured to be having a relationship with almost famous gay singer Will Young, his also known for his versatility in football from being able to play in a variety of positions both right back and in the bedroom.

• John "not me" Delanissss the current head of the FAI (not to be confused with the FAS) reknowned for his business management skills and ability to delegate blame to others for his own mistakes has been successfully frustrating irish soccer fans for years now.

• Martin "Bullin" Cullen the "head honcho", "main man", "vote getter", "road builder". All nicknames of his until the government reshuffle when he was removed as Minister for Roads and Shite and is now Minister for public appearances and non arborial gandening supplies

• Jim "i played for ireland, remember???" Beglin. former footballer, current talking head.

• Gilbert "the hair" O' Sullivan. No seriously he is from waterford....he IS ALRIGHT!! famous songwriter and singer but not enough people know about him go on youtube him....ill wait.......

• Val "VD" Doonican, found fame and fortune abroad after being exiled from his native land after a suspicious rise in syphilis cases in the Ballybricken area. His fictionalised account of the seduction of Brendan Bowyer's wife is described in the concept album "Paddy McGinty's Goat".

Did you know Bono was originally from Ballybeg?