Warmsure

Warmsure LTD is Great Britain's most successful anti-service provider, depletinging consumer moral 10 x more effecively than the tax man himself. Functioning in competition with heating mega-giant British Gas as the only alternative nationwide source of emergency heating repairs, it is propped up neatly by government funding as part of the EAGA scheme & was founded in 2007 for the purpose of maintaining antiquated central heating systems in the interest of keeping each and every one of our embitered grandmothers & grandfathers alive.

It is also widely recognised as a benchmark in how not to run an environmentally / economically or socially aware organisation.

Despite having access to an ample tax-fund the company functions shamelessly, adopting an unorthodox yet cost effective means of keeping the nation’s ailing pensioners warm - suspense! It commonly leaves its elderly & 'vulnerable' clientele sit hunched tirelessly next to their telephones and porches for weeks on end in the belief that a thoughless employee might ring with news that one of its thinly spread engineers will attend, ill equipped & in a van brimming with incorrect parts. Warmsure's record for keeping one eager pensioner waiting was 96 days spanning the entire winter period of 2008.

Perhaps surprisingly, Warmsure is yet to claim the life of any of our hardy, aged country folk, although this is an eventuality that even its ignorance-bloated board of chairmen will be anticipating (and possibly savouring) with each brutal winter that ominously chills the British Isles.

Contracts

Whilst the dual-funded firm survives by offering slash-priced annual & instant cover to the naive and seeks to cut corners with what is possibly the dullest expense in the world, there be revelations afoot for those looking to find the old adage "you get what you pay for" put into practice! Whilst the average Joe is flinging in his tuppence each month (God forbid his 7 month old boiler breaks down) he might expect to be seen sooner than, perhaps say, those old biddy's unscrupulously demanding thier 2x4 council terraces be laden wall-to-wall with double-panneled radiators at the state’s expense. But after their work is done, he is only to be fooled by yet another undisclosed twist in his yet-to-be-mailed-out contract. Yes sir, be aware Mr & Mrs 'Premium' who have just moved into their newly built red-brick green-belt double-garaged picket-fenced north-facing abode were assured (as you were) that they too would be seen as priority number one. Now wipe that enervate glare off of your face & get to the back of the que!

Employees

Warmsure's flagship achievement is that it employs a greater number of disgruntled workers than any other organisation registered in the United Kingdom since 1985, falling just behind the coal mineing industry. This unprecedented level of distain can be heard in the voices of each and every representative (including the PR department) when calling it's 24-hour / 7 day-a-week call-center, a convenience the firm openly touts, almost oblivious that it's field-based response time is much closer to the other end of the availability spectrum. Despite its ever-open call center, the company boasts the longest call queues of any British firm today, with a line-clearance ratio of 78:1, indicating that more dialers abort mid-que daily, than the x factor hot-lines see in a single week. Many more shivering old dears are simply cut off, or helplessly shake their icy hand-sets free of the frantically oscillating phone cord.

Warmsure accounts for the greatest portion of boiler parts fitted per annum in the UK, ahead of it's closest (& only) nationwide competitor British Gas, despite sporting only 1-7th of the number of engineers. Warmsure maintains such slack margins, because quite frankly, it dips greedily into the tax payers pockets at the first sign of snow, under the guise of an essential heating-industry necessity with the government's needlessly expensive tool-box of unaccounted-for public spending at it's disposal.

Whilst on the subject of disposal, it is worth noting that the company filed losses of £40,000 relating to 'missing' parts in the 2008-2009 term alone, a sum equivalent to that of a 10 year state pension for one impoverished aging chump. To Warmsure's blatant indifference, the blame falls conveniently on the foot of the delivery man. Whilst it is company policy to deliver parts directly to their idle engineers properties in a feeble attempt to reduce it's already overwhelming delays, parts are frequently left in the engineer’s allocated 'drop-box', or to you & I 'bin'. Those parts that made their way (intact) to the end of the engineers driveway were promptly collected, transported past the customer’s address & deposited predictably into the local landfill. It won't surprise existing Warmsure customers that this process is still practiced to this day.

Operational Achievements

The astonishingly convoluted procedures the firm has weaved over its 3-year rise to widespread disappointment has lead to intervention from the state insisting there is not enough red tape to go around. But shockingly it has awarded the firm a new badge for it's administrative hold-ups, with the application of the yellow/orange/red-tape now sported on the company's logo. Warmsure’s complaints procedure is deemed so complicated that even the the most relentless of its withering customers fail to penetrate the dial tone. Unsurprisingly, even it's employees struggle to convincingly convey a grasp of the process, although this can be attributed more to the complaint fulfillment's stealthy unatainibility than the staff's bumbling utterences.

Warmsure Call centre phrase translator

A loyal customer patiently waits to get through to the corporate office.

"Hello, welcome to Warmsure, how may I help you" = God help you, if you're one of the lucky ones you've dialed a wrong number, will soon realise & go on your merry way, if not then welcome to the fairground, you'll soon feel nauseous, disorientated, still cold & wish you'd rang your dad instead.

"I'll put you through to the relevant department" = You are about to embarque on a whirlwind tour of our many 'teams', occasionally surfacing to expressionless welcomes to inappropriate departments, only to be dismissed mid-explanation untill you finally hit a dead end or embarrassingly end up chatting to the very chap that plunged you into this telephonic abyss to begin with.

• alternatively, if you are fortunate you will be immediately cut off, quit whilst you're ahead my friend.

"The engineer will be with you in x minutes / hours" = Please make the right noises so that i can terminate this call without grounds for disciplinary action, we shall never speak again & your repair shall not proceed until you ring to make a more threatening attempt to resolve the delay / dispute.

"I'll call you back once I have made enquirues*" = Please make the right noises so that i can terminate this call without grounds for disciplinary action, we shall never speak again & your repair shall not procede untill you ring to make a more threaterning attempt to resolve the delay / dispute

• no matter how sincerely this line is delivered it's definition will not deviate from that above.