Wank shame
Wank shame is the psychological replacement of contentment with shame immediately following masturbatory acts. In layman's terms, when (assuming you're male) you're lying there panting, with jizz on your sheets and in your belly button, and you think "I'm disgusting" - that's wank shame.
Etymology[edit]
The term "wank shame" is derived from the two well-known Latin words wank, roughly translated as wank, and shame, meaning shame. The phrase was first coined in the mid 1960's by model, actor and social observer Roger Moore who commented during his famous "I Have a Wet Dream" speech that: "Every man feels at some point the terrible feeling of wank shame. It is common knowledge that the act of masturbation gives a relaxed satisfied feeling, but every now and then that feeling is replaced by a feeling of terrible guilt... which is more common in boys of religious upbringing." Girls can experience wank shame too though there isn't so much stickiness involved, unless the wank shame involved other members of the same sex.
Elderly religious leaders don't enjoy sex or wanking the way youngsters do. Then they try to stop youngsters of either sex enjoying it.
Symptoms and diagnosis[edit]
There are a number of tell-tale signs that males are experiencing wank shame. All men should be on high alert for any of these symptoms.
- Uncontrollable sobbing whilst masturbating
- Feeling unable or refusing to look at your own cock
- Masturbating with gloves / mittens on
- Banging your head / cock against a wall at the point of ejaculation
- Masturbating in a crouched position in the corner of a darkened room whilst constantly looking over your shoulder in a paranoid fashion
If you go to your GP and tell them that you have been experiencing any of these symptoms then they are bound by law since the Conservative Reforms to say "Aha! So you're a wanker, you big fucking loser you; what's the matter, can't get a girlfriend? Get the fuck out of my sight, loser.".
Possible causes[edit]
Despite huge advances in modern science, still relatively little is known about the real causes of wank shame. It is apparently difficult to get research funding in the area. Fucking Department of Health.
Some suspected causes include:
- Being male. Wanking in females doesn't involve such dramatic physical changes.
- Being female. Females, especially with religious upbringing are taught to be ashamed of their bodies. The curse of Eve and all that.
- Excess religious faith
- Lack of faith (e.g. Jizzlam)
- Over-exposure to pornography. It is well known that pornography is a depressant, though its long-term effects remain uncertain.
- Under-exposure to pornography. It is well known that jacking off without porn is crap.
- Ugliness
- Uninspired fantasising (e.g. of Cherie Blair)
Recent research by the Australian Institute for Weird Disorders and Crazy Diseases suggests that one of the main causes for wank shame is getting caught jacking off by a girlfriend or hot next door neighbour. In a 2006 survey conducted by the Institute, 98% of respondents admitted that being caught induced long-term wank shame. Even more damning is the fact that 85% of these respondents had never experienced any form of wank shame beforehand.
Treatment[edit]
There are now a number of over-the-counter drugs that you can buy to ease the pain of wank shame. Some of these include ProWank, Wankicillin and cock drops (warning: cock dilation may blur vision). If you sweet-talk your GP into giving you a prescription then you might be lucky enough to get something more cutting-edge such as cyanide.
There is no known cure for wank shame. In mild cases, symptoms will dissipate after a few minutes and as long as you dry your eyes (be careful not to confuse tissues) and try to forget about your awful, awful wank. In more serious cases you may feel compelled to injure yourself as punishment for masturbating, in which case the World Health Organisation recommends that you handcuff yourself to your bedposts and call for help. In the worst documented case of wank shame, a man was so ashamed that he drilled a hole through his own face. Needless to say, he didn't survive the ordeal.
When wank shame is due to excess religion there is something better.
Support networks[edit]
Up until the late 1990s, very little thought was given to those suffering from severe long-term wank shame. In recent years, however, this has changed - thanks in large part to the work of Larry Flynnt, Time magazine's 'Person of the Year' for 2001. Flynnt set up Wankline, a 24-hour help and advice service conducted over the telephone. Sufferers can discuss their deepest feelings with the staff, who will guide them through the process of learning to masturbate without shame. Featured is a typical Wankline employee having just finished bringing a client to a perfectly pleasant, shame-free masturbatory orgasm.
Famous uses of the term[edit]
The concept of wank shame, if not the term itself, is one that has been used often in popular culture. For example the title of artist Kunt and the Gang's album "I Have a Little Wank, and I Have a Little Cry" is speculated by many to pertain to the phenomenon of wank shame.
Another occasion the phenomenon in the limelight is on the cult television program Spaced when character Tim Bisley says:
"It's like when you have an orgasm on your own. Lying there watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken, lonely night in Soho. And you're lying there, everything is really great. You're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images. Everything seems so right, then Ppett. Bingo! You wake up. You're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue, which you just know is still in your pocket. And the remote control which is somewhere on the floor. It's like walking in on yourself. You know, 'What you doing?' That's how I felt tonight. Sitting here, feeling my heart miss a beat every time the door opened. 'What the fuck are you doing?'"