Virtue signalling
Hand signals have long been given by cyclists and motorists to indicate their intentions to other traffic, by policemen to pass on instructions to motorists, and by soldiers to silently communicate more efficient ways to exterminate their fellow men. In an increasingly woke world, traditional signals’ inability to communicate the feelings and motivations of the signaller has come to be seen as a problem. How can the viewing snowflake be sure that the signaller is not a fascist insisting upon forcing their will on humanity? How can the signaller feel comfortable telling others what to do without making it clear that his/her advice is optional, that it is in the best interest of the viewer to comply with, and that it is being communicated by a signaller whose rigorously vegan diet makes them both credible and better than you?
To solve this ongoing issue, the General Secretary of the United Nations, Sanctimonia Pecksniff, commissioned a new set of Virtue Signals that were unanimously adopted by the General Assembly for use across the globe.
Driving Signals[edit]
Once, learning hand signals was a mandatory part of all driving tests as most motorcycles and many older cars did not have electronic turning signals. In recent times this has become unnecessary as all motorists can now indicate their intentions at the flick of a switch, and BMW drivers do not even need to do this as other motorists should simply know what they are about to do.
For this reason, it has been possible to repurpose existing signals to convey meanings that it was unnecessary to communicate in the past when our cruel ancestors forced people to make a binary choice of genders based on nothing more than the variety of their genitals.
These signals no longer indicate an intention to change direction. Instead, the UN now defines the meaning of this signal to be “You are behind me. I believe this to be reasonable because a) You support the right-wing party in national elections or b) believe that the existing government which does not allow me to vote is doing a good job eliminating Gypsies.”
To previous generations, this signal indicated a driver’s intention to slow down, something which has long been the job of brake lights – except in vehicles providing public transport on the Indian Sub-continent where brake lights, headlights, and indicators are thought unnecessary since karma has decided whether you are fated to die in a traffic pile-up and car-maintenance is, therefore, an expensive and needless luxury.
In the twenty-first century then, the signal's meaning is again more political than directional. Flapping one’s arm up and down now indicates the following: “I understand that the driver behind me has mental health issues and believes that he/she/they can fly but I do not believe that confining him/her/xhe to an asylum would be in his/her/xhe’s best interest. Perhaps he/she/they would like to talk about his/her/xhe’s interest in the flat earth theory? Or explain why I should forego my Covid booster for fear of Bill Gates injecting a microchip that will control my brain and make my cat gay?”
Police Signals[edit]
With the advent of electronic traffic signals, there is rarely the need for policemen to direct traffic manually. Consequently, traditional police hand signals have also been redesigned for use in the modern world.
What once said merely “STOP!” had the unwritten subtext “I am a representative of the patriarchy and insist that you STOP for no other reason but to demonstrate your acquiescence in your own inferior status.” As such, its new purpose comes not a moment too soon.
Under Agenda 46 of the United Nations, citizens of representative democracies should now interpret this signal to mean “The policeman in front of you may appear to be working on behalf of the Illuminati but was, in fact, the first to volunteer to donate his blood/organs to help save the lives of victims of totalitarianism in unhappier nations. If he is asking you to STOP then it is undoubtedly for your own good”
Non-signatories of the UN Human Rights charter have negotiated exemptions from this new meaning. In China, the signal should be interpreted as an endorsement of President Xi’s desire to be confirmed as Leader for Life. In Russia, it suggests a willingness to enlist in the armed forces and to occupy part of a neighbouring country.
In less enlightened times, this signal indicated to waiting motorists that it was safe for them to proceed. But that’s what sat-nav and blithe self-confidence is for. Under the revised hand signal legislation, a policeman should use this gesture when attempting to indicate that he/she finds you attractive enough to wish to caress your buttocks but wouldn’t dream of doing so because he/she would rather die than to sexually assault a stranger in the street. He/she is worried that vocalising his/her attraction to you may cause offense and would prefer to die celibate.
What once demanded that both streams of traffic should move on simultaneously in a typically twentieth century, authoritarian manner now indicates that the policeperson is fully woke, will hang out in gay bars even if he/she is strictly heterosexual in the hope of making colourful friends and already knows all the moves to YMCA.
Military Signals[edit]
Since the election of Joe Biden the United States has begun to evolve into the Woke-ocratic Bolshevik failed state that the political visionaries at Fox News warned about. Token-minority Secretary of Defence, Lloyd Austin, ordered a review of the traditional hand signals used by infantry regiments since Donald Trump led the heroic resistance to the British in the Revolutionary War. In February 2022 new hand signals were issued to all US soldiers and Marines for use when next occupying sandy real estate burdened with hydrocarbon deposits.
