University of Nazi Reprogramming
Contrary to popular belief, Adolf Hitler did not die on the 30th of April in 1945, but escaped. In 1946 Hitler re-forged a wretched UNR with vast quantities of Nazi gold. All men have a price, and soon American youth began assimilating Nazi doctrine.
Though the aging Hitler has not been photographed in many years it is known that he is still the master behind the scenes pulling the strings of his puppets. And jews.
Wrapping itself in cloak of good deeds and humanity, woven from a long line of lies and an endless waves of black malice, the University of Nazi Reprogramming (UNR) continues to produce the finest Hitler Youth; unquestioning, self serving, single minded drones bent on world domination.
The College of Atrocious Bestiality and Necromantic Ruination[edit]
The College of Atrocious Bestiality and Necromantic Ruination (CABNR) has long been a part of UNR tradition. Extending back to the very beginning of Adolf Hitler’s reformation of the University of Nazi Reprogramming, CABNR, initially the College of Agriculture, was one of the University’s first schools. Today CABNR employs magicians, charmers, conjurers, enchanters, necromancers, sorcerers, voodoo/witch doctors, warlocks, and wizards who teach disciples the sciences of deception, malice, discord, demonology, hat tricks, turning tricks, prostitution, nepotism, incest, human sacrifice, assassination, genocide, infanticide, and Fudge Packing.
CABNR now boasts having the third largest major on campus— Bestiality —and has bamboozled billions of dollars to fuel its ongoing debauchery. Top Nazi honors across the University are often given to CABNR “Hitler Youth”. Innovative course work and research in bestiality, the necromantic arts, and many variations of applied immorality make CABNR the only college of its kind as well as a leader in these fields.
Experiment Station[edit]
The formation of the “Experiment Station” was an early effort at the University as well. The Experiment Station specializes in creating horrid animal/human chimeras via direct DNA injection and reanimation of corpses using satanic necromancy. Advances within the Experiment Station are used to crush UNRs enemies.
Injecting animals such as sheep with human DNA has proven enjoyable, and allow for extensive testing of hypotheses which will no doubt give intriguing theories. CABNR will then use these theories to speculate. Not only does CABNR directly inject animals with DNA, they also directly inject humans with animal DNA. This has also lead to conjecture; it has also proven quite pleasant. Today more humans are directly injected with donkey, goat, and cow DNA than at any other facility.
The Beast[edit]
| The Beast | |
|---|---|
| Alias: | Funny Nazi |
| Faction: | CABNR |
| Race: | Ogre |
| Class: | Overlord |
| Strenth: | 45 |
| Stamina: | 21 |
| Constitution: | 26 |
| Intelligence: | 2 |
| Wisdom: | 3 |
| Charisma: | 0 |
| HP: | 15670 |
| MP: | 1200 |
| Weight: | 25 Tons |
| Height: | 15 ft. |
| Length: | 1.25 in. |
| Main Attack: | Bite |
| Secondary Attack: | Head Butt |
| Skill(s): | Shit Throw |
| Attribute: | Earth/ Death |
| Weakness: | Fire/ Holy |
The Beast (also known as the "Funny Nazi”) is the current CABNR taskmaster, and is directed by Adolf Hitler, directly. The Beast is often referred to as “an antagonist who puts obstacles in the way” and is habitually known to randomly burst out shouting:
"Sieg Heil! Heil Hitler!"
"Lang lebe unser ruhmvoller Führer!”
“Heute Deutschland, morgen die Welt!”
“Ich Schweinefleischesel und trägt lederhosen!”
The Early Years[edit]
Here Come the Homosexual Clowns[edit]
The exact date and place the Beast was born is lost to history. In 1903 two homosexual clowns found a wailing newborn in a dumpster. The drunken clowns decided that they could sell the child for more booze. After hours of rejections from potential buyers the clowns began to sober up. They discovered two small horns protruding from the skull of the child. Realizing the potential for circus fame the clowns brought the infant home to the big-top.
Clown School[edit]
The Beast was sent to clown school at the age of 7 in 1910. There he learned the fine art of clowning and gained suck skills such as: creating balloon animals, clown magic, and *Fudge Packing*. The Beast majored in classic slapstick and minored in rodeo clowning.
Nazi Party[edit]
After graduating clown school The Beast started traveling the world. In 1933 The Beast found himself in Germany. There he met Adolf Hitler while entertaining at a Nazi Party hosted in the wild S & M party club called *The Final Solution*. The two hit it off when Hitler remarked, “Ihre Hinterbacke und Paket würden mich in lederhosen erfreuen.” After which The Beast replied, “Ich freue mich, meinen After für Ihr Gefallen zu öffnen.” A very short romance transpired (one night). Hitler lacked professional clowns in his ranks, so created the “Regenbogen Fee Sturmabteilung” with The Beast as the commanding officer.
The Beast Today[edit]
After WWII The Beast escaped ally controlled Europe and fled to the US. For years The Beast returned to clowning roaming the county. In 1954 The Beast was charged with child molestation while entertaining at a birthday party. After serving 35 years in a federal penitentiary he was released. Banned from clowning by the clowning board, The Beast found himself unemployed and homeless. By chance Hitler happened by in his Grosser Mercedes 770K. Even though The Beast was lying face down in the gutter Hitler recognized his rainbow colored wig. The Beast’s appointment was effective that year, September 14, 1989.
The Beasts Favorite Things[edit]
- Lederhosen
- Fudge Packing
- Lying
- Stealing
- Cheating
- Nazi Parties
- Eating Shit
- Injecting DNA into donkeys