Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Vzvartnots/2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse
User:Vzvartnots/2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse[edit]
Vzvartnots 05:39, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
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PRIP EXPIRED Though Javascap reserved this Pee Review, he/she/it/Abominable Snowman has not yet completed it. You may claim the review by replacing his/her/its/Abominable Snowman's name with yours. |
| Humour: | 9 | Overall, this article was a hysterical read (thanks for making the librarian stare at me!!), and is probabally one of the best articles I have read in a long time. |
| Concept: | 10 | Airplanes having Sex? Mother Russia communicating with her planes? The tail fin jabbing into the belly? Tactful references to intercourse? This, my friend, is EPICALLY AWESOME! I never, in a thousand years, would have thought of ANYTHING like this. I don’t know where you got this idea from (actually, I do from reading the Wikipedia article!), but wherever you pulled it from, it was great. EXCELLENT job. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | This is the only area in need of significant improvement. “With the Zurich air traffic controller busy with another plane wanting to land” sounds a bit awkward, and “when the 757 fucked her so hard” and the following area also sounds a bit weakened. I would recommend taking another look at the second paragraph in “the love affair” section, and tweaking it a bit. Try reading it out loud, and replacing it until it sounds just right. |
| Images: | 8 | I am not too sure what the Harry Potter picture had to do with this article, seems more random then anything else. The pictures, else wise, promote the flow of the article extremely well, and make some good points. I loved the pictures you uploaded most especially, specifically the one with “The Swiss air traffic controller and his colleagues, who finally came back from donkey punching Tubgirl, are horrified to see the lovemaking of the two airplanes.” Simply, Epic Success. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8.5 | Averaged as per pee review Guidelines. |
| Final Score: | 42.5 | This article is, quite frankly, awesome. I really appreciate the time you took in making this article, as well as the multitude of edits you made to your own article in the art of perfecting it. You have a few bits to go, but after that, submit it for another review, and if the other peer approves, feel free to nominate for featured. I hope to see this article in pee review sometime in the upcoming week (even though I won't be reviewing it) |
| Reviewer: | Warm regards, Javascap 16:26, 6 March 2008 (UTC) | |
Reviews are a matter of opinion. I thought I'd offer up a second one on this, as mine differs a bit.
First up, the concept is interesting, but the execution is less so - particularly the "The Flights" section, which came across as kinda random and name-droppy. Dropping in random names doesn't increase funniness, so you might want to reconsider this bit.
There are also too many red links - if a page doesn't exist to link to, either don't link, or link creatively - find pages that are close, or even alternate ones that could be funny to link to (example: I don't want you to think I'm going soft on you with this generous score).
Finally, I agree the prose needs work. To me, the style is way too stilted. You need to adjust and edit for readability. Don't be afraid to spread out across a few more sentences - give the article a little room, if you know what I mean. Try to make it flow a bit more...
I have to say, if I'd reviewed this, the score would have been 8-10 points lower. However, as I mention in all my own reviews, this is only my opinion, so you can choose to ignore it if you like! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 18:18, Mar 6
- I decided to remove many of the names on "The Flights" - I used them as I didn't want to use the names of real people involved, but I am wondering if simply not naming any names will work better. Vzvartnots 22:38, 6 March 2008 (UTC)
- Also I took out some of the red links (redirected MENSA to Mensa and removed red links of minor cities). Vzvartnots 22:47, 6 March 2008 (UTC)