UnScripts:The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection

(heroic voice)

Sometime in the future...

(distracting trumpets play)

When worldwide crime gets out of hand...

(more distracting trumpets)

There will be no more police stations.

(trumpets get louder)

There will be no more jails or prisons.

(trumpets get louder still)

There will only be... Hey! This trumpet thing is SERIOUSLY ANNOYING! Could the guy playing those just STOP IT?

Trumpet Guy: Sorry.

Heroic Voice Guy: Okay, where was I? Oh yeah. All jails, all police stations, they will no longer be existent... There is only...

The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters!

Directed By: Someone Other Than You

The movie poster.

The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters was the most groundbreaking action film ever made in the 21st century. The film, created in 2004, portrayed a world in which there is no local police stations, but rather a "global police station" that fights all worldwide crimes. They have an building on every street corner of every street in the world, disrupting the quiet suburban peace in a trade for "security." It is scary knowing we might end up this way, and end our lives in the flames.

Enjoy the show.

Scene 1[edit]

It is a bone-chill winter day in Chicago. The sun is hidden behind thick clouds. The sirens from the Crime fighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighter's trucks can barely be heard as everybody rushes to work, trying not to get hit with a spare bullet.

League employee and backup officer Joseph Tarabonn is driving to work when he hears his cellphone ring. He picks it up. It is his boss.

Joseph: Hello?

Boss: I've got bad news. Our lead officer, Jill Harrington, passed away last night. Shot 3 times in the chest. Got her to the hospital, but they were too late.

Jill Harrington, shortly after the shooting.

Joseph: So... she won't be coming in, then?

Boss: Well, I don't think so, but maybe... SHE'S DEAD! We need you to fill in for her today.

Joseph: Me? I've got barely any experience! Surely you can find someone else!

Boss: Surely I can, Tarabon, but you need some experience, and you might as well get it now!

Joseph: Well, I guess so...

Boss: Alright. (hangs up) (not on phone) I will hate myself for the rest of my life...

Scene 2[edit]

Officer Tarrabon is patrolling the city around noon, when he sees League security guard Elise Ropeman on the sidewalk. It's actually a pretty safe day in the city of Chicago- or so they thought.

Elise: Hey, Joseph, I see you're getting some patrol time since Officer Harrington passed, huh?

Joseph: Yeah, I am, although I don't know why boss picked me over everybody else.

Elise: Yeah, neither do I- I mean, uh, congratulations!

Joseph: Thanks, I've been waiting to be on patrol since I started work here 17 years ago.

Elise: 17 years is quite a long time.

Joseph: I know, it is.

Their conversation is cut short by a gang of hundreds of Mexicans running straight towards them, with guns, grenades, and lots of bombs. The Sears Tower, to their back, is their target. At this moment, Joseph is unaware that he has a gun.

Joseph waving hands: Hey! Hey! Stop that!

Elise follows his lead, waving her hands wildly in an failure to avert the gang's attention. The gang then sprints into the Sears Tower. Joseph and Elise follow lazily, and do not succeed in catching any single member of the group. They set off their bombs, and the building catches fire.

Joseph running into building: Hey, hey! Elise! Help me put out the fire!

Elise and Joseph commence blowing on the flames to put them out. In all the frenzy, they lose their brains and forget they can call a League Firefighter. Luckily, a woman on the street calls one, and 15 minutes later it arrives.

Joseph: Whew! Thank God! Someone called a firefighter! We're safe. (Goes on MySpace)

The fire is put out by the massive firetruck. The entire building is completely destroyed and everybody in it is dead.

Scene 3[edit]

No, but really.

Joseph's cellphone rings. It is his boss. He answers it.

Boss: What the hell were you doing?

Joseph: Wha- What? You saw?

Boss: I'm always watching.

Joseph: Okay. What are you trying to tell me?

Boss: You're FIRED! You destroyed the city's greatest landmark. You will pay for your actions.

(Big words appear onscreen)

To Be Continued...


Scene 4[edit]

Inside an office. Joseph is sitting with other officers and his boss at a round table. Everybody is looking at Joseph as if he were an alien. The boss begins to speak.

Boss: We all know what Joseph Tarrabon did. He destroyed the crowning feature of our city and disgraced the name of the Crimefighting League.

Elise: Joseph didn't destroy anything! He was greatly outnumbered by the gang, and besides, he had no experience! He didn't know what to do!

Boss: SILENCE, Ropeman! I've seen road kill more competent.

Joseph: So... I won't be working tomorrow?

Boss: I wonder why I'm sparing your life, you worthless little urchin. It makes me laugh how-

Boss's phone rings.

Boss: Mhmm, yes... sure. Tarrabon, the president of the League is here to see you.

Joseph leaves the office and sees the president. The president's shouting is overheard, followed by Joseph's.

Pres.: Apparently you have destroyed the Sears Tower. I don't know how accurate this is, but I hope you know how terrible this is.

Joseph: But... I didn't do anything!!!

Pres.: And that's why.

Joseph enters office.

Joseph: Fuck you guys! I'm leaving.

Joseph leaves.

Scene 5[edit]

Joseph Tarrabon is the #1 public enemy in the whole city of Chicago. When he stands on the street, kids throw rocks at him.

Joseph: Why is everybody so mad at me like this? I mean, all I did was let some people destroy a building, it's not like I did anything wrong!!

As he stands on the sidewalk after hours, Elise approaches him.

Elise: I know the rest of the city hates you, but I don't.

Joseph: Thanks, Elise.

The movie ends with Elise and Joseph kissing over a beautiful violin piece for about 30 seconds.

The End!

...Or is it?

Yeah, it is.

We just like to piss you off.


The reviews from critics ranged from mildly to extremely favorable. Some quotes under showed the appreciation that critics gave it:

“This was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed every minute of it and I can't wait to see the sequel, if there is one.”

~ Peter Travers, Rolling Stone film critic

“Great job, 5 stars, going to buy the game.”

~ X-Play

“I'm sorry, I really didn't watch that closely.”

~ Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times film critic