UnNews:Well, shut my mouth!
| A newsstand that's brimming with issues | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 20, 2024, 06:42:59 (UTC) |
| Well, shut my mouth! | 
|
29 June 2021
OTAGO, New Zealand -- Medical professionals in New Zealand have teamed up with scientists in the United Kingdom to devise a method for weight loss that actually seems to work. We have here on video conference Professor Gordon Whakamole from the University of Otago, Dr. Elton Thumbscrew of Leeds and Floramina Roundwell, a participant in the trial of the new device.
UnNews: "Really great of you to talk to us about this transformative invention. Professor Whakamole, what inspired you to develop this method?"
Gordon Whakamole (GW): "I guess you could say it was one of those armchair introspections that have launched so many innovations in science. I was completing the ingestion of a large serving of fesh and cheps when it strook me that every time I ate one of those nice salty cheps, I had to open my mouth. Considering this more deeply, it came to me that if I didn't open my mouth, I wouldn't be able to eat the cheps. It was but a short hop from there to the realization that if I didn't want to eat the cheps I could simply keep my mouth shut."
UnNews: "Fascinating. I understand that recounting this to your colleague Doctor Thumbscrew was a crucial insight in his research program on compliance with diets."
Elton Thumbscrew (ET): "Indeed it was. Why Ms Roundwell here was an outstanding example of a person who desperately wanted to lose weight, but suffered from what we call poor compliance. I immediately decided that we should put this into practice, eh, Floramina?"
Floramina Roundwell (FR): "Mmmmm mmm mm."
ET: "I first tried duct tape, for it is well known that if it can't be fixed with duct tape, it can't be fixed. Duct tape did fix the problem, but only in the short term. Floramina kept removing the duct tape, which of course allowed her to open her mouth again and undo all the good effects of keeping it shut."
FR: "Mmmm mmm mmm mmmmmm MM."
UnNews: "Pardon, what was that?"
GW: "She said that it did make her lips swell up. Apparently this is an unexpected benefit if you follow certain contemporary notions about cosmetic surgery."
UnNews: "How did you work that out?"
GW: "Just read my latest book, Beyond lip reading. Essential for understanding the dysphasic.
ET: "Nevertheless, while it made the overeating problem somewhat more sporadic, it was clearly not a permanent solution. I thought of suturing the lips, but good old Gordon reminded me that we would have to do the trials in a quite authoritarian country to get it past the ethics committee. I mentioned the difficulty to an acquaintance of mine in the cosmetic dental line and he assured me that it was quite simply accomplished. His clients will gladly suffer any amount of machinery in their mouths in pursuit of an inviting smile. We soon worked out that with only minor adjustment to the currently available tooth straightening apparatus, the mandible could be locked in position. A bit like those historic cases of tetanus in the textbooks."
UnNews: "And this is what was done to you, Ms Roundwell."
FR: "Mmm. Mm mmm mmmmm mm mmmmm mmmm mmm?"
GW: "She's asking whether you think her, ah, figure is of a pleasant size."
UnNews: "Why of course Ms Roundwell. I assume you're both keen to see your invention out in the communty, benefiting all those who are troubled by their difficulty with following their diets."
ET: "We're looking far beyond that. Gordon immediately noticed our device not only prevented overeating, but got rid of a great deal of unnecessary chattering. He convinced his wife to take part in the initial trial and found that the acoustic harmony of the household was immeasurably improved."
GW: "For those who may be worried about communication problems, I recommend a copy of my book, 'Beyond lip reading', and there is also my upcoming self instruction manual, 'Sign language for the enquiring communicator'."
UnNews: "We certainly thank you for your invaluable accounts of this exciting new development."
FR: "MM MMMMMMM!"
GW: "Now Floramina, just weigh yourself again and I'm certain you'll feel better."
Sources[edit]
- Sarah Marsh "New weight-loss tool prevents mouth from opening more than 2mm". The Guardian, Jun 29, 2021