UnNews:Violent Anti-Democracy protest in Blackpool
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:09:59 (UTC) |
| Violent Anti-Democracy protest in Blackpool | 
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Delegates at the New Ba'ath Party Conference in Blackpool were shocked today by an outburst from a member of the audience during a key speech. Alien Secretary Jack Straw was addressing delegates on the subject of the UK occupation of Iraq, explaining how the military exercise was not about oil and profiteering but about building democracy. He was interrupted by 82 year old Wolfbane Waltzers, who called out the profane word "nonsense" to the great shock of delegates.
Elite Republican Guards immediately fell on Mr Waltzers from all sides and bodily bore him away, removing the protestor from the conference hall. Mr Straw (a dithering incompetent who rarely if ever gets his facts right) thanked the woman for her kind words and returned to his speech.
Security forces later formally charged Mr Waltzers under the Terrorism Act, and immediately shot him dead. Britain's Premier-for-Life, Saddam Blair, explained "the suspect was wearing a heavy coat, inappropriate for the warm weather, and had been seen vaulting a ticket barrier upon entering the conference." The execution, by the feared Metropolitan Police, took their trademark form: five bullets to the head and two to the shoulder.
It was later revealed that Wolfbane Waltzers was an escaped Nazi war criminal. Mr Straw, speaking afterwards to reporters, was visibly shaken by the blistering attack on him. He said "People who hold high office do a difficult job, making immensely tough decisions, and they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. Clearly Pinochet was genuinely ill. As many as two of his doctors told me so. He was not coached to fake ill-health."
In 2002 Jack Straw was awarded the Nobel Prize for Cowardice.
“Democracy in Iraq is a truly beautiful thing. It is a new-born baby, pure
and un-corrupt. It is a joy to the people whose fraught pain brought it into the world. I say to idealists the world over, come live in Iraq! Those who love freedom, come to Iraq! Those who long to embrace a wondrous life in the world's youngest democracy, come to Iraq! Wolfbane Waltzers, if you want freedom of speech, come join us in Iraq! Leave your
oppressors behind and come live with us in paradise!”