UnNews:Theory of Sexual Reproduction revised

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:28:59 (UTC)
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29 April 2007

A picture of what is required for successful sexual reproduction.

DAYTON, Tennessee -- Researchers at the Christian Science Academy have demonstrated that more than a man and a woman is required for sexual reproduction. Specifically, God is an important part of creating a new life. Lisa F. Kerr, the head of the research team, said "We have discovered that man, woman, and God come together to form a child. Previously, we had thought that only man and woman were required."

The release of the study has angered some atheists around the world, while others find that it was helpful. Fang Godfree remarked "This scientific report is offensive to us atheists, the only science-minded people around!" His wife, Melony Godfree said, "Well, that would explain why we don't have any children."

The discovery has caused excitement at the possibility of a True Christian™ contraceptive. Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, explained "If God is required to be involved to make a baby, then all that needs to be done is politely pray to God to not have a pregnancy. If it is God's will for a pregnancy to occur, there is no risk of interfering with God's plan, because God can simply ignore the prayer. However, God is unable to circumvent, for example, a thin layer of latex." However, there are some fears that the discovery will lead people to turn to atheism as a contraceptive. Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family explained, "We fear that the discovery of atheism as a way to prevent pregnancy will turn people away from God. In fact, in light of the new research, I suspect that the reason contraceptives seem to work is not because a thin piece of latex is getting in the way, but instead because no True Christian™ would use a condom. Use of a condom excludes God from the picture, and without God, there is no baby."

The news overjoyed Christian preachers around the world. Billy Graham said, "This is more proof that secularism is bad: The human population would go extinct if everyone abandoned God." In response, Howard Stern said, "Shut up, Billy Graham! You're a motherfucker and a Godfucker!"

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