UnNews:Steve Irwin replaces King Charles on Aussie $5 note

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Steve Irwin replaces King Charles on Aussie $5 note UnNews Logo Potato.png

4 February 2023

Compared to the 1960 $5 note, which just had some random guy on it, Aussies really don't care who is on it — as long as they can still use it to pay for five dollars worth of stuff.

CANBERRA, Australia -- The Royal Australian Mint announced that reigning monarch King Charles III will not be replacing Queen Elizabeth II on the pink piece of paper/plastic that is worth a total of five Australian dollars (US$3.46). The CEO of the Mint, Leigh Gordon, also invited all Australians to vote on whom to put on the note — with classic Aussie icon Steve Irwin taking first place.

Along with Irwin, other popular votes included: Eddie Mabo, Caroline Chisholm, Shane Warne, Harold Thomas, Bob Hawke, and Cathy Freeman. Fictional characters like Barney the Dinosaur, Michael "Crocodile" Dundee, and even all four Wiggles were also submitted, with none, except Jeff the OG Purple Wiggle, gaining any traction.

With Irwin's would-be 61th birthday coming in a few weeks' time, celebrating the life of the crocodile handler and sting-ray fiddler would be appropriate by placing his head on the new $5 Australian note — along with having somebody whom people actually know on the currency they keep in their wallets. However, this met opposition from environmental activists.

The prototype of the 2023 note

The Young ACTivists group picketed the Royal Australian Bank yesterday, claiming that "Money is out of fashion nowadays, with things like PayPal, Google Pay, Apple Pay, and literally every other pay app." A group leader tweeted the following to the Prime Minister:

A caricature of the Twitter Bird
Sam @ACTnowPayLater · Feb 3, 2023
@AnthonyAlbanese, why should we be cutting down trees, making paper, dying them pink, of all colours, and then putting the face of Steve Irwin on it? I literally only use my credit card, cause physical money is only used by boomers and millennials that live in the outback.

Representatives from Buckingham Palace released a statement that, if "Australia wants to stay in the Commonwealth, they should put the King back" on the A$5 note. It was later revealed that this actually came from the King himself, who stole the password to the Royal Website after one too many Earl Grey teas during brunch. The Palace retracted his statement.

The Royal Mint will start printing the new Steve Irwin five dollar notes next month. It is expected that within the first week of using the new notes, people's reactions will range between "Oh, wow" and "That's cool", but will later dwindle into what it is now, with no one caring whose face is on it — except from collectors, who somehow will pay much more than its actual value.

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