UnNews:Second Mitchell Report Outs Cast of ANTM

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25 May 2008

Antm cast.jpg

New York -- Commissioner of Baseball Allan "Bud" Selig, after again appointing former federal prosecutor George Mitchell to furnish a detailed report from a second 20 month investigation, has this time uncovered the sexual orientation of several cast members of the CW channel hit show, America's Next Top Model. This new 800 page report is thematically in stark contrast with the findings of the first Mitchell Report, which was mostly about juicehead baseball players.

However, much like the first report, several names were implicated as potentially being totally gay. Among them:

Miss J Alexander:

Known as the most fierce runway coach in like, the whole world, Miss J--heeey!--was described by many insiders as...gay. One source who worked on the show in cycles 1-3 was quoted as saying "If you look at his hips, they are very active, very mobile. Also,he's a runway coach? What kind of shit is that? Isn't a chick supposed to do that job?"

Benny Ninja:

Ninja has made appearances in later cyles of the show as a posing instructor. He came to show with a much lauded background in the style of dancing known as vogue, let your body move to the music. In discussing the sexual orientation of Ninja, the Second Mitchell Report takes much of it's information from the book, You Know Why I Know You're Gay?. The report quotes from the book directly, specifically where it succinctly states, "You know why I know you're gay? 'Cause you dance really funny and your name is Benny-friggin-Ninja!"

Jay Manuel:

Manuel is the high-maintenance shoot director, who comes from a make-up and fashion background. The new Mitchell Report cites a confidential source, only known as the head of the Brotherhood of Bros, Bro, based out of a chapter in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. The source goes on record in saying, "I mean, look at that, dude's a little fruit, ya know what I mean?".

Sources[edit]

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