UnNews:Roman Empire in 'stable condition'
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| Roman Empire in 'stable condition' | 
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17 October 2017
ROME, Roman Empire -- Sources at the Imperial palace claim Roman Emperor Clueless Effin Moronero Trumpicus (aka Caligula) is not sick, mad or borderline loony tunes. Caligula's chief of the Praetorian Guard Johannes Kellus says these stories have been out by the Roman Senate which he says 'everyone knows is full of back stabbers like Brutus and Cassius and gut rippers'.
Kellus replaced dyed-in-the-wash Rince Priebus after the latter was sacked and decapitated for 'failing to adhere to the Emperor's expressed infallible wishes'. Other recent staff replacements/executions have included Michaelus 'Mad' Flyntus, Anthonius Idiotius Scarimuccius and Stevanicus Phallus Bannionus. All had once enjoyed high favour with Caligula but had fallen foul of the Divine Trumpicus disappointment. Now Caligula has said he wished the Senate had but one neck so that it could be chopped off.
Emperor Caligula is as sane as any Living God that I know, said Kellus. He remembers what day of the week it is and which wife is lying next to him in bed. What more can a Roman Emperor do? I and the Vice-Emperor Mickus Pius Prude are in full agreement. We have also bought a horse to run the store should the Divine Emperor order me to attack Parthia.
Emperor Caligula, Empress Melania and their son Barronius are expected to visit the local Circus Trumpicus and Golf Club for a celebration of a recent triumph against the barbaric Germans and pathetic-pathological Hispanics. A number of Roman Senators have been arrested for incompetence and are expected to fight each other to death, followed later by a few clowns and circus acts to entertain young Barronius. The emperor tees off in his golf game against new political donor Robertus Mercenarius shortly afterwards.
Sources[edit]
- Staff "John Kelly - I am not quitting". Fox News, October 17, 41 AD