UnNews:Osama Bin Laden dies

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Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 04:13:59 (UTC)
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2 May 2011

Bin Laden, about four minutes prior to his estimated death.

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- The crumbling skeleton of Osama Bin Laden was confirmed to be dead today. The corpse was discovered in a mansion outside of Islamabad, slumped over a ruby end-table clutching a teacup of Earl Grey in one hand and a cluster of fake passports and visas in the other. The skeleton was in a heavily decayed state and hooked up to a decrepit dialysis machine. Expert coroners estimate the time of death to be about a week ago.

The body was found by a squadron of American soldiers after receiving an anonymous tip. The skeleton of Bin Laden reacted with shock as they bashed down the mansion's locked door, scaring away its harem of virgins and nearly causing it to drop its teacup. Fearing it would spring into action, the soldiers riddled the skeleton's tuxedo with bullets before lighting it on fire, burning the beard to pieces. After stomping on the skull for about five minutes, it was confirmed dead. A week later, DNA tests taken from the skeleton's bone marrow confirmed it to be Bin Laden.

The aristocratic surroundings of the corpse led some to suspect collusion with the Pakistani government. "If we found him under a trapdoor covered in pig shit and soot that would have been fine," said CNN reporter Washington Irving, "but in a mansion? The tuxedo and top hat didn't help either." The Pakistani government, however, has denied supporting Bin Laden during his time on the lam from the United States army.

"This wasn't a cave we found him in," said Irving, "this wasn't even a particularly fancy cave, like the one that Batman spends his time in. It was a mansion." The Pakistani government was quick to point out that the mansion he was found in "wasn't too big" and "didn't even have a wine cellar."

The American public has reacted wildly. Millions of drunken teens on Spring Break ran through the streets, now having another reason to celebrate aside from casting aside their pencils, books, and teachers' dirty looks.

"Wooooo! We won! We beat terror!" said one teen, wearing a Florida Gators jersey, quite definitively. "Islam is over!" said another, this one wearing a Paul Pierce jersey.

One person who wasn't as happy at the news was one George W. Bush, who claimed that Obama was just stealing his thunder. "Come on guys, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have even heard of Bin Laden. Who cares who killed him?"

Editors at Uncyclopedia claim responsibility for his death, figuring the featuring of the article "Victory" and Bin Laden's death were no coincidence. Think about it.

Sources[edit]

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