UnNews:Olympic fever grips entire of Britain, many die

2nd August 2012

The disease is affecting competitors as well as spectators.

LONDON, England -- Olympic fever has gripped the nation of Britain recently, with millions reported to have perished. The disease, notable for its unusual side effect of creating a state of babbling incoherence in the sufferer in under 10 seconds is all the more tragic because it coincides with a humungous sporting event which was designed to lift the spirits of this recession-worn island.

The disease, which is highly contagious and affects people of all age groups, except the very young, and the people with actual jobs, is thought to have originated in the offices of the BBC, sometime around July 27, also the date that Voldemort was vanquished by Mary Poppins and a couple of nurses in a running track in East London. The high pitch squeals of delight heard on the television and radio as James Bond pushed Queen Elizabeth II out of a helicopter from the commentary box are often the first sign of the disease, according to disease expert Dr Silver Ann Bronze of Leeds Metropolitan University.

Little is known about the disease, and apart from a list of symptoms, Dr Bronze was unable to give a reason for the millions of deaths, but then she is from Leeds Met. The known symptoms are squealing, fatigue, inexplicably feeling tense whilst watching other people exercise, inexplicably telling others that one "really enjoys sport", whilst sat on the sofa eating chips, knowing what judo is and how it is scored, and waking up in front of the telly watching highlights from the Azerbaijan - Uzbekistan handball quarter final, and promptly declaring a great match. "The millions of deaths normally occur soon after the victim works themselves up into a frenzy about the bias of the judges in the Greco-Roman wrestling", adds Dr Bronze.

Dr Hog Gin Orldagolds, Chinese expert on the disease from Beijing University, asserts that the last epidemic of this Olympic strain was in China four years ago, though the millions of deaths there may also have been because the Chinese Government was getting a bit antsy about undesirables, and they needed to keep their executioners busy. There was no feared breakout of the fever two years ago however, because frankly no one gives a shit about the Winter Games, except Norwegians and Canadians - and no one gives a shit about them either.

Dr Orldagolds warns that the disease cannot be contained or cured, but helpfully will only last two weeks. Obviously this will be far too late for the many people who have already suffocated and died from the disease, but at least Scotland should be safe, as no one there gives "a flyin' fooch abaht their wee pansy Sports Day in Lonndonn, aye! We've the Hiyaghland Gaemes to play oop heer!"

• UPDATE Chris Hoy, a Scot, has just one a Gold Medal in the Olympics, and the entirety of Scotland has exploded with pride. Millions more deaths are expected, some due to Olympic fever, most due to obesity.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.