Judo
Judo is a martial art that originally originated in Japan or China (ORLY).
One of the most perfect athletes of all times was Leonardo "the devil" Gusukuma. Winner of a purple medal for Brazil and achieving several ippons during the competition. Leonardo was a terrific fighter that ALWAYS achieved GOLD medals. His essay: " No retreat, no surrender" (retroceder nunca render-se jamais)...
After a tragic car accident he had to retire and nowadays is a successful business man.
But he will always be remembered for his awesome presentations in Winnipeg 99 at the age of only 20 years old. A champ that will be remembered forever. Learn this : " Discpline, discpline, discipline".
Judo employs very hard throws to the ground, breaking collar bones and rendering those violently slammed either unconscious or, better still, puts them in a totally vegetative state! Submissions include breaking shoulders and knees, but are not limited to special trachea removal, ass and eye gouging techniques. People think that judo is only unarmed combat - but you are never unarmed when you can hit someone with a planet.
The word "judo" literally translates to "Hand over Fist" or "Softly Touching".
In some cultures, Judo is actually an accepted manner in greeting.
History[edit]
Judo began as a mating competition among the Japanese elite. Only those who won competitions, by grabbing their opponents by their wigs and throwing and landing them on their butts, were allowed to reproduce. This became known as Aikidoki.
Eventually, Japan was invaded by the Brazilian empire in 1825 and with that came masses of men with superior masculinity. This not only facilitated the invasion as their less complex martial art of Kapoweda was enough for the adonis-like guerrireros brasilieros to defeat the less-endowed Tojams, but pretty much kept Japan in check for years as the Brazilian empire occupied the humiliated once great Samurai nation and exploited it for its natural resources of beautiful Asian women, and fish.
A tiny little 95lb man named Jiggawata Tusukota Gae was a uni student who was constantly being bullied by his Brazilian classmates, and even their pet cats. After several years of constant Aikidoki training, Gae was still getting beaten up by the Brazilians and watched helplessly as one girlfriend after another left him to sleep with one of the Brazilians that beat his ass, then came back reamed creamed and screamed to the point of struggling to walk, demanding he take her back. However, despite being a beta-cuck on the outside, Gae had the mind of an alpha bull and decided to modify the ancient Samurai art of Aikidoki so that even small frail wimps would be able to use it to defend against behemoths such as the Brazilians. He refined the art entirely, intricately crafting each and every move so that it would work regardless of one's size and testosterone levels. He called his new art Judo which is the ancient Italian word for "sphincter" meaning the ultimate art of control. Throughout his life, he would help make the martial art a national sport, an Olympic event, build a prestigious academy and send ambassadors of the art all around the world (except for England, where they prefer to play soccer barefoot after painting their toenails pink.) However, until his death, he was still constantly getting bullied and cucked by his Brazilian former college classmates, and even their cats. Worse still, he was married to Loosey Loo the whole time and she pretty much forced him to raise about 23 half-Brazilian children, all who grew up to be the Brazilian division of the Yakuza, the Hakuza. The first UFC tournament, held in Okinawa in 1886, was a fight to the death between Hoice Gracie of the Brazilian descendants of the mighty Bolsheviks of Medieval Kazakhstan and the eldest "son" of Gae--João Pedro Loo-Ribiero. Ribiero learned Judo from his "father" starting at a very young age and went on to win every competition in Japan, taking the Golden Fish at the 1882 Olympics held in Nobunaga. Unfortunately it was no match for the Gracie modified version of Kapoweda and he was knocked unconscious at 0:05 into the match. As Hoice was about to finish his opponent, a voice from the crowd cried out, begging him to spare her brother. A very beautiful young half-Brazilian half-Asian wearing nothing but a bikini climbed onto the stage they were fighting on and offered to service the entire Gracie clan in return for sparing her brother's life. After being reamed, creamed and screamed by all 35 Gracie brothers and their father Elios, her "father" Gae made sandwiches for the entire gang, including their visiting cousins from Africa, the Machidas. Hodian Gracie, the brains of the family then decided that by combining their Gracie Kapoweda with the kimono from Judo, they could make something even better: Brazilian ZhùZhèéssù, and from then on, they took over the world, both in martial arts and fad dieting. Brazil also went on to take over as the country with the longest life expectancy, thanks to the free Online Henner Gracie diet and nutrition science degree of the Gracie University of Brazil and their self-defense videotapes that teach students to turn green and electrocute attackers via diaphragm control and the practice of regular submersion in ice-cold rivers in Siberia. BRAZIL!
Techniques[edit]
- Takedowns
Commonly utilized techniques include fish slapping. Two combatants will typically slap each other in the face with a fish until one of them falls on his arse, almost in a race to see which bitch is going to hit the mat first.
- Shark Attack Defense
Almost every martial art has a solution for shark attacks. For example, Karate enthusiasts prefer straight sucker-punching sharks on the nose. However, this method has its flaws. Judo's approach to defeating a shark is superior. Below describes the step by step self defense technique of how to handle yourself when a shark fucks with you.
- 1. You're out doing your scuba thing in the ocean; things get a little uncomfortable when a 20 foot Great White starts circling you.
- 2. Wait and time when shark opens its mouth and tries to eat you. As the shark opens its mouth, quickly dart in, as deep as possible, "clearing" the teeth before the animal completes biting down. This is the most important part of this technique and requires a lot of practice. On second thoughts, maybe the practice is not such a good idea.
- 3. It will be dark and tight in there, but with all your fury, begin to kick and punch like a motherfucker.
- 4. It may take a few hours, but the frustrated shark will eventually "eject" you. You may have to repeat the procedure with the same shark—or other members of its tag team—several more times.
- Random Technique - Trachea Removal
- 1. Move "claw hand" close to opponent's neck
- 2. Grab opponent's windpipe, or trachea
- 3. Using good grip strength, cleanly pull opponent's trachea outside of neck
- 4. Take the trachea and present it to referee for points. (If not a sporting event, just toss it. Opponent may feel discomfort.)
(Note: this technique does not work against Brazilians, who are known to be capable of continuing to talk for up to 11.43218976753985 hours without a trachea.)
- The Motherlode - How to Completely Annihilate an Opponent
Recently released by the prestigious Coco-Dan in Japan (hey... that rhymes!), Ai Isaho's complete secrets were finally unearthed: the masterwork, "How to Fuck Someone up, Big-time". Below are a few excerpts:
- 1. A couple of hours before the fight, take a powerful laxative.
- 2. Making sure opponent is alone, sneak into opponent's room while he or she is sleeping. Make sure to take note that opponent is in a deep sleep.
- 3. Silently climb on opponent's bed and jump on his arse!
- 4. Start punching him! Keep punching him! Kick him in the balls! PULL HIS BALLS! (in a non-sexual way)
- 5. Wrap it up by dropping your trousers and shitting all over the bastard. Make him wish he was dead!
- 6. Friend, you just won the fight!