UnNews:Old Unabomber math put to new use

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20 April 2011

Professor back in the days

MISSOULA, Montana -- A formula of the mathematician turned neo-Luddite bomber, Theodore Kaczynski, also known as the Unabomber, has proven essential for the creation of a mass surveillance grid. Scientists believe it will be definitive in eradicating all crime by 2050. Kaczynski was a leading mathematician and college professor until he decided to drop out of main society and live like an eremite in the forest. Ten years after, he would initiate an eighteen-year bombing campaign against the industrial society, in the name of freedom. (Sadly, he didn't know he had already fucked it all up by then.)

Concerning the formula, scientist Charles Brunzkinov remarked, "It is Godlike! We can predict any set of behavioral patterns that are useful from the societal control point of view." Another scientist, John Sillymaster said, "we don't really support this kind of Orwellian tech-control shit, we are just taking a piss at that nerd-killer son of a bitch."

The Unabomber has given no response and is known to be in a catatonic state since learning of this discovery. His days of targeting computer scientists, geneticists, chemists, and other people who are good at stuff, are sadly over. Thanks to him, we will never have to worry about people like him, ever again.

The formula speaks loud and clear. Just do the math!


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.