UnNews:New alternative to the United Nations

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, June 6, 2023, 20:52:59 (UTC)

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18 February 2020

UD spokesperson.

PROMINYESPACILTSK, Kurmitostroom -- A new international body for the keeping of peace, the provision of basic human rights and the well being of humanity has been formed. A great deal of criticism has been made about the United Nations, claiming it is out of touch with modern social values, overly bureaucratic and ineffective at dealing with the endless conflicts and crises that beset the nations of the world. UnNews has contacted a spokesperson for more information.

UnNews: "We understand that this new organization, provisionally named UD, plans to make a global reset in dealing with international problems. Could you fill us in on the name and your plans."

UD: "For many years our partner nations have been frustrated by the obstruction and vacillation of the UN and similar organizations. We have finally decided that we must band together to create a new order based on political reality and justice for those nations that recognize their place in the world and seek to bring the benefits of our societies to those around us."

UnNews: "That sounds quite impressive, but I was asking about the name, UD. That's a bit cryptic."

UD: "If you must know, it is United Dictatorships. As we are unquestionably the political entities who are ready to mold the future of humanity, we have had enough of democratic dalliance and wish to come out as the leaders that we are and are meant to be."

UnNews: "So you're planning a full on assault on democracy?"

UD: "No, we might lose that one, better to nibble at the democratic edges, picking up bits of territory and resources. We need those to support our armies, you know. It's fine for these rich democracies with citizens who will actually work without a gun at their heads to lecture us about power arising from the consent of the people."

UnNews: "I was going to ask about that. Your manifesto talks a lot about rights, but exactly what rights are you proposing?"

UD: "It's pretty simple really. The rulers have the right to rule, others have the right to obey. No rubbish about limitations on the power of government. If rights get too complicated everyone is squabbling about them. Keep it simple, stupid."

UnNews: "Okay, what about keeping peace?"

UD: "Peace will only emerge when we can crush any dissent. You can't have a war without an opposing army. Imagine a world where we could destroy any potential enemy at negligible cost to ourselves. Peace."

UnNews: "And the benefits to humanity?"

UD: "As rulers, we expect that the great majority of benefits should flow to us. This is fair. The leaders should enjoy the best of everything, those supporting us as rulers should understand that their well being relative to the rest of society depends upon their continued and unquestioning support. This affords us a panoramic view of anyone who might wish to question the fairness of our societies so that they can be identified and dealt with in a fair and forceful way. From each according to his abilities to us."

UnNews: "Aren't you worried that if you do gain control over the world and humanity, you will turn on each other to continue to fund your empires with the resources taken from others?"

UD: "We'll worry about that when we get to it. For now, alliance is more sensible than conflict. Look, if one of our more insignificant allies is troubled by a revolt of the populace, we get right in there and help them trash the populace. Better a wasteful and unpopular ally than a bad example."

UnNews: "Do you plan to have some central meeting place to administer your organization and publicly announce your plans and their outcomes?"

UD: "Waste of good money that could be spent on arms. Don't telegraph your punches, kid."

UnNews: "Well, thanks for your time. We hope to report again on the progress of UD as it prepares to refashion the international order."

UD: "Not without our consent and overview. By the way, I'll have those notes and that recorder."


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.