UnNews:New Goop program unveiled

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26 January 2020

I want, I want.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Conventionally beautiful actress, singer, author and holistic healer Gwyneth Paltrow has launched a new health program to her adoring customers, those who are still trying to work out how to spell her name, and the rest of the world. As this does not appear to be a radical change from her hugely successful Goop series, we decided to ask what really was the difference.

"Thank you for consenting to spend a few minutes with us, Gwyneth. What is really behind your latest system for perfect health, cosmic awareness and conspicuous consumption?"

"I'm glad you asked that, Poonita. We at Goop Lab have finally opened the true entrance to bodily perfection, the unified theory of health, happiness and the dream of being so much better than those around you that they don't believe it."

'A dollop of my Goop gets you all this!'.

"So is this a movement away from your previous focus on the, ah, female organs?"

"We will certainly not abandon that temple of fleshly mystery and essential insecurity that has drawn millions to the realization that no matter how many times you have been disappointed, there is always light at the end of the tunnel if you look hard enough. What we are doing is probing deep within to discover the spiritual core of this eternal hope."

"And what have you discovered in there?"

"What we have penetrated is the secret of belief, the mental state that sustains adherence to a program when there is really no evidence or reason to do so. This is why we are now promoting "Wellness through gullibility".

"That does sound very impressive. How do you expect this to work in practice?"

"It really consists in taking an almost inconsequential factoid and transforming it into something that people will purchase. Now you may have heard of this genetic thing that scientists have developed that allows them to mess around with genes and potentially transform sow's ears into silk purses."

"Yes, I think it's called CRISPR, but I haven't heard about the sow's ear bit."

"That's it. There are far too many of these jazzy acronyms. Most people have a vague idea that your genes are somehow transformed into your physical body, much like my genes have been transformed into me. Now because an awful lot of women want to look like me, if I say that something that changes your genes will just maybe filter through into making you more like me, it becomes hot. And valuable."

"But if I said it, people might think twice before dragging out their means of payment."

"Exactly Poonita. With all due respect, you could do with a little physical transformation here and there. Especially there. Since the days of Marie Curie, we have known that radioactivity messes around with your genes."

"Well, we didn't know about genes at that time except in theory."

"Details, details, Poonita. You'll never get transformed while you're worrying about details. So, radioactivity equals change. You may also be aware that radioactivity was once sought as a potential cure for lots of things."

"I am, but it didn't work."

"Details again. I can see why you haven't proceeded with those essential transformations. So, as radioactivity equals change, and CRISPR is a change and CRISPR can be a cure, so radioactivity may be a cure. I can see those details troubling you again. There are still a lot of radioactive springs and geysers and abandoned silver mines lying unprofitably around the landscape. Our job is to make these desirable again. Just like me."

"How do you plan to make radioactive places attractive? What about disposal sites for radioactive waste?"

"Hadn't thought of that. Thanks, Poonita. Radioactivity produces mutations, some good, some bad. It's only a matter of picking out the good ones. That depends upon your spiritual condition. If you're in a good spiritual condition, you get good mutations."

A bad, non-symbolic mutation.

"What if you get bad mutations?"

"Easy. You were in a bad spirtual condition. Now imagine me fresh from the makeup artist explaining how being in a place with low level radiation in the right spiritual condition will transform you. What do you think is going on in the heads of my listeners? A very large proportion of them are looking at me and thinking, 'I want, I want'. There is the essence of our success. That grease of desire is enough to slide their insecurity into belief. As Oscar Wilde said, 'You can make some of the people envy you almost all the time'. So we transform the sin of envy into the motivation of belief. We really should get an award."

"Is Wellness through Gullibility the future of the self-care industry?"

"I think you've got it, Poonita. I was thinking of putting myself in for the Nobel Wellness Prize, but do you know that there isn't one? I asked about the Nobel Peace Prize, but you seem to have to do something nice for poor people and how many of them are going to pay for a Spiritual Adventure in Radioactive Healing? I don't see a queue forming."

"Well, thank you for your time and we all hope that your new program will be a great success."

"So do I. Fame and beauty can accomplish great things, Poonita. You really should think about that."