UnNews:NFL lockout making players feel like slaves and Jews

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29 May 2011

The Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis sat in front of his crystal ball and witnessed some of the worst crimes ever committed by man all because the NFL refused to add another zero to the end of his multi-million dollar paycheck.

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin -- After weeks of failed negotiations, the NFL lockout is beginning to take a deep emotional toll on players. Former player Tiki Barber commented this week about his "reverse Ann Frank" situation, forced to live in the attic of his Jew agent. Star running back Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings expressed feeling like a "modern-day slave." To top off matters, Ray Lewis stared into his crystal ball and predicted "evil" this coming season, possibly stemming from a lack of an NFL.

Tiki Barber, who is not even directly affected by the NFL lockout since he's retired, has been dealing with the fallout effects in his own way. Barber told L. Jon Wertheim of Sports Illustrated that he moved into the attic of his agent, Mark Lepselter, to escape.

"Lep's Jewish", Barber allegedly said, "and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing." Tiki went so far as to say, "Sometimes when Mark walks too loud, I worry it's the owner's group, coming to take away my health insurance and throw me in a gas chamber." After an awkward silence he went on to explain, "They've done everything they can to exterminate us when our playing years are through. Look at the fortress Jerry Jones just built in Dallas, do you think he is going to sit there and wait for us to die off, while we milk away pennies from his precious castle? He's practically Hitler: Genocide of the former players is nothing to him. The Secrete Service will be opening the hatch instead of Mark one morning, and you'll never hear from me again."

Adrian Peterson expressed his concerns in an interview just fifteen minutes after the union filed papers to decertify: "It's modern-day slavery, you know? They lash my back with their leather whips in practice, and I can't even get health insurance when I retire? I think even the slaves that built the pyramids got health insurance. It's the rich white suits trying to keep us workin' hands from gettin' too big a piece of the pie." The interview was being held in his deluxe apartment in the sky.

The scariest news of all perhaps is Ray Lewis' predictions. Lewis has been spending hours in the divination room with Professor Trelawney working on his prophecy skills. Wearing a robe, lights dimmed, Lewis waved ESPN's Sal Paolantonio into the room. Lewis began chanting what sounded like Michael Jackson lyrics, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror," he muttered before looking down to his crystal ball. "If we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call 'crime,' watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game... There are too many people that live through us, people live through us. Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time." The lights got brighter and Lewis raised his head. "Straight from the horse's mouth fool!" he shouted, casting the crystal orb to the the floor, spiking it like an intercepted pick-six, as he walked away.

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