UnNews:Millions of Learner-drivers lost

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18 December 2007

Fred, brazenly showing off his "one handed" driving skills shortly before running over a blind child.

MORE THAN THREE MILLION LEARNER DRIVERS have gone missing during driving lessons, Ruth Kelly has told MPs. Millions of rookie drivers are thought to have lost their way on roundabouts or complex one-way systems throughout the country, putting the lives of regular road users and pedestrians at "significant risk".

It is evident that the learners were left "to fend for themselves" as driving instructors, following new "health and safety" protocols, abandoned their pupils when "things got a bit hairy". Only last week a learner driver spent three days going the wrong way round a mini-roundabout after their instructor upped and left following an near miss with an articulated lorry.

Leaner Fred Jaloppy, who spent six weeks stuck on a hill before luckily being found by passers by, described his own ordeal at the wheel, "Six weeks, SIX FUCKING WEEKS I was on that hill. I just couldn't get the damned biting point". Mr Jaloppy was subsequently admitted to hospital suffering from a numb bum and mild rigor mortice.

Ms Kelly said the learner drivers had been "mostly on their first few lessons" when they had gone missing within the UK road network but was quick to reassure MPs that the prospect of any getting onto any major A roads or motorways was "extremely remote".

"It is thought that most, if not all, of the learner drivers are probably floundering around the suburbs, stuck at junctions, attempting three point turns or reversing round corners." Kelly added, though could provide no proof that no learners were currently hurtling down our motorways.

AA spokesman Gary V Veryveryniceman expressed his own concerns at Ruth Kelly's reassurances, "to assume that out of 3 million learner drivers that none have blundered onto a motorway or dual carriage way is naive at best."

"This is yet another example of criminal incompetence and is another symptom of what you get when you put a bloody woman in charge!"