UnNews:Man drowns on Dick Cheney fishing trip
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation. |
11 July 2007
Snake River, Idaho -- George Conners, a Republican Senator, drowned yesterday on a fishing trip organized by Vice-president Dick Cheney in an incident that was called a "freak accident". Senator Conners was said to have asphyxiated when his head had been forcefully held under water by Vice-President Cheney, although it was later revealed that Cheney was oblivious to what he was doing as he was tending to a cut finger. Cheney had invited Conners on the fishing trip a week earlier whilst he was preparing to take a holiday that had been recommended by his docter after his several heart attack scares. "As much as I am going to enjoy this much-needed break," commented the vice-president before traveling to Idaho"I will be excited when I return to work to keep my country as free as it has always been under George Bush and I". But disaster struck just 2 days into his holiday. Cheney, Conners and two other members of the republican party were fishing on a small dinghy when Conners found his wedding ring had fallen in the water and leaned over the boat to find it in the shallow water. Cheney, mistaking Conners' head for a cushion, leaned on it while putting a band-aid over a cut he had received while gutting a (live) fish. By the time he had noticed what was going on, Conners had been long dead.
"It wasn't Dick's fault George Conners drowned," said Senator Howard Call, another one of Cheney's friends on board his dinghy "He couldn't help George while he was dealing with his own problem [Cheney's cut finger], which was equally as nasty". Unfortunately, the other man on the boat, Senator Bob Yelsonite, wasn't quite as compassionate towards the Vice-President, saying "Despite him being my friend, what Dick did was nothing short of murder. He has to be brought to justice". But Cheney didn't have to break a sweat, because the morning after making these comments Yelsonite's dismembered body was found in the dumpster outside his Pennsylvania home. "Probably suicide" was the coroner's opinion. Senator Conners' family have formally apologized to Cheney for weighing him down with any unnecessary stress or even dragging his name into the incident. The late Senator's wife, Charline, said "We apologize humbly to Mr. Cheney, knowing he acted kind and caringly throughout the entire episode, and we are deeply sorry for bringing anything unpleasant to his name". After sulking for a while Cheney decided to swallow his pride and accept the apology.
Strong support has gathered around Dick Cheney ever since the incident hit the press. President Bush gave a national speech in which he said "Praise must be heaped upon my good friend Dick for how stoically he has acted amid the abuse he has from those *shudder* Democrats about the incident. All of us in the White House and, heck, even in the entire Republican party know he's completely innocent. We hope there will be no percussions". He also received praise from Presidents, Prime Ministers, Emperors, Sultans and Militant Warlords around the world.