UnNews:Mall security guard harasses actual criminal

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 19:15:59 (UTC)

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19 December 2006

Witnesses say the legitimate harassing took place near the food court escalator.

Burlington, MA- For the first time on record, a Burlington Mall security officer harassed a shopper with actual criminal intent today. The harassment occurred at the entrance of Things Remembered where a shopper later identified as Snidely McStealsalot stood sharpenening a glass cutter and drooling at an engraved faux silver pocketwatch. That's when security officer Stewart Harris stepped in.

"I had just grabbed a free coffee and danish from my buds at Au Bon Pain," said Harris, "when I bumped into this guy as I stepped off the escalator. It happens all the time and it wouldn't have been a problem if his pointy moustache hadn't gotten tangled in the iron-on Mall Security shoulder patch."

The brief entaglement lasted long enough for Harris to notice the glass cutter and the dotted circle McStealsalot had just drawn on the shop window with a sharpie pen. Harris hesitated at first, then intoned gently: "Time to move along sir." That's when the atmosphere froze. McStealsalot dropped the glasscutter and unloaded pockets full of stolen goods before darting into the street crying like one of the 13-year-old GAP shoppers Harris was used to harassing.

"I would never have said anything usually," said Harris. "I save that for the punk kids who just sit around talking in the lobby. But this guy made it impossible to ignore."

Harris' supervisor, Peyton Standsaround says that in his 33 years in Mall Security this is the first incident where an officer under his jurisdiction has harassed a mall consumer who seemed to have real criminal intentions. "Based on the evidence, I'd have to say this guy was really up to no good," said Standsaround, adding "We would have footage of the harassment, but at the time all of our cameras were trained on a group of teens celebrating their sick friend's birthday in front of a McDonald's with food they had legally purchased."

That was just routine. Standsaround was about to send Harris to tell those kids to take it outside. That's when McStealsalot was, apparently, caught in the act. Eyewitnesses claim they heard the fleeing McStealsalot shouting "Curse you Mall Security!" as he darted into route 3 outside and ran in the direction of the nearby Square One Mall.

"He'll probably have better luck there," said Harris. "The guys over there don't bother anyone unless they're awkward adolescents trying to have a good time outside the bounds of parental restrictions."


  • www.theburlingtonmallisthepitofconsumerdispair.com