UnNews:Juliet Childs: "My First Hardcore Song"

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28 January 2012

Juliet Childs and her dog Robert. Juliet is the one on the left.

BRISBANE, Australia -- Juliet Childs, 8 years old, became a preteen Internet sensation overnight with "My First Hardcore Song" and its video, "My First Hardcore Video." The song got 5.7 million hits in the first 48 hours after her mother got it up, and 15 million in its first week. Unfortunately, we were unable to get hold of Juliet. So instead we interviewed her dog, Robert.

UnNews: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Bob.

Robert: You're welcome, UnNude.

UnNews: That's UnNews.

Robert: Call me by my right name, and I'll call you by yours.

UnNews: All right, Robert. Tell us about Juliet.

Robert: She's one hot doggy lover.

UnNews: Um, you mean she loves hot dogs?

Robert: I mean she loves me and I'm one hot doggy. She loves the way I walk, run, jump, eat--she loves my doggy style. You see the scene where we're lying together in the grass?

UnNews: She also sings that she loves her fishes.

Robert: She doesn't lie in the grass with her fish.

UnNews: Let's move on. The first line Juliet sings is, "Get your two step on." What does that mean?

Robert: You don't know the song "Two Step" by Destiny's Child? "Back it up, I don't want to grind/Slow down and take your time/When I move my hips just right/Lead the way out of line....get you two step on."

UnNews: Um, let's move--

Robert: Juliet also sings, "But it stinks." Want me to explain that?

UnNews: No. Let's move on. She's pretty athletic, isn't she?

Robert: Yep. She bounces in her trampoline mosh pit over her animals while wearing short shorts and a T-shirt that says, "I Love Phucket."

UnNews: I love....what?

Robert: Phucket. "P H U C K E T." But that's not her only video.

UnNews: We thought it was her first.

Robert: Nah, she's done several. It's just her first preteen hardcore. You can watch her tickling the ivories, pulling her own tooth--then there's the pregnancy video.

UnNews: Pregnancy video? She is eight years old, right?

Robert: Yes, but that's 56 in doggy years. In some of her videos she's four years old--but that's 28 in doggy years. In this one video she's in the bathroom with a mirror and and she opens her mouth real wide and--

UnNews: We'll have to call time. Do you have anything you'd like to add before we go?

Robert: Nothing to add, but I'd like to multiply.

UnNews: Multiply?

Robert: Yeah. Three times seven--21 in doggy years. That's legal everywhere, you know.

UnNews: Thanks, Robert, for talking with UnNews.

Robert: Sure. Do I get a bone now?