UnNews:Jade Goody's marriage is "Doomed to Failure" predicts tabloid Agony Aunt.
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| Jade Goody's marriage is "Doomed to Failure" predicts tabloid Agony Aunt. | 
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21 March 2009
OLD LONDON TOWN -- The Sun's Dr. Deidre has warned Jade Goody that her marriage could hit the rocks unless she seeks help with her ethnic cleansing addiction.
Over-weight Jade, who recently shaved her head and became part of an extreme right-wing organisation regularly insults, punches and eats up to seven illegal immigrants every day, has been warned to get help before it is too late. But rumours from Jade's camp suggest that her marriage to Jack Tweed has been shaky from day one. An inside source told us "Jack has no interest in ethnic cleansing. He has a live and let live attitude, and even has some black friends. Jade on the other hand is extremely racist. She is perfectly nice in all other respects, but when it comes to Johnny Foreigner - she's an animal. I think she may be sick. She needs help. She is definitely addicted to it!"
A source from Racism Anonymous told us "Racism is a common addiction. We view it as an illness, and there are thousands of people who suffer from it all over the world. Just because Jade is famous she seems to have got special attention. No one really gave a fuck about it until Jade got it. Doesn't everyone hate Jade anyway?"
In a recent interview, Dr. Deirde from The Sun newspaper has offered a psychoanalytical account of Jades illness. "Jade subconsciously wants to perform felatio on her father. This stems from the shame Jade has endured after her mother caught her masturbating over a tin of tuna. She is envious of her brothers cock and compensates by being a fat, obnoxious, racist retard who everyone hated until they found out she had this illness."
Jack Tweed Was unavailable for comment today, but we suspect he would have said something like "Oh shit, I married a fatty, but she's rich and if she dies soon I will be too."
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |