UnNews:It's Official: Americans are Dumb
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| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:36:59 (UTC) |
| It's Official: Americans are Dumb | 
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CAMBRIDGE, England - a recent study by Professor Lampworth of King's Bollege Bambridge and his assistants revealed that 99% of Americans have an equivalent IQ to a small clump of week-old tea leaves encrusted at the bottom of a pot. The study, conducted over a number of months last year and published yesterday, was prompted by the re-election of President Bonobo in 2004. Professor Lampworth, much acclaimed for his work on the British Moon-landing and the American-English Dictionary, took into account behavioural and cultural evidence in arriving upon his conclusion. "The most long-standing and undeniable evidence is their linguistics. For example, in the spelling of words such as colour, labour and valour, Americans have adopted the improper practice of omitting the letter u, which is plain laziness on their part. This practice is also seen in the shortening of words such as haemoglobin (hemoglobin), and, grotesquely, doughnut (donut). The American attention span can be seen in their adoption of unnecessary rare letters like Z and K, such as in cheque (check) and realise (realize), and again in their pronunciation of the letter Z - they call it the infantile 'zee' in place of the correct 'zed'. Furthermore, it has been historically shown in English speaking nations, such as Canada and Australia, any attempts to introduce this abridged form of the language in journalism has been met with complaint and resistance."
Professor Lampworth's paper also discussed some sociological evidence. For example, while Americans lambast the homosexual contingent of their population just for being themselves, the British are busy knighting them and awarding them honourary fellowships from the University of Cambridge - for instance, Sir Ian McKellen, Sir Noel Coward, and Stephen Fry. Professor Baron Cohen also contributed to the paper through undercover focus group studies and interviews, revealing startlingly medieval attitudes towards perfectly reasonable lifestyles and activities, and in the course of his research, did in a matter of months what the American Government has been trying to do for around nine years.
Professor Lampworth has also been criticised for his paper, being told that this is not a new fact, and that he is teaching to the blackboard. Several papers have debated this topic already, all reaching more or less the same conclusion. The good professor has not commented on this yet, as he is now busy researching the cancer-curing properties of the works of William Shakespeare.
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