UnNews:Iranian president survives assassination attempt; blames everyone

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4 August 2010


HAMDAN, Iran

Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has, allegedly, survived an assassination attempt carried out against his convoy en route to a public speech the president planned to carry out in the city's stadium.

At approximately 10:47 CET, a loud explosion rocked the president's convoy injuring members of the entourage and accompanying reporters. The president's car was, reportedly, a hundred metres away from the impact point.

Ahmadinejad proceeded with the planned speech, exciting the audience with his normal impressive demagogic style, all the while issuing thinly veiled threats towards those responsible for the attempt on his life:

"My brothers, I stand before you unharmed only due to the help of the divine. Were it not for Allah, I would have been now served by 72 virgins and a coffee boy. Evidently, the almighty still wants me to carry out my important work in this world" emphasized the president while smashing his fist into the nearest bystander,

"However," rose the president's voice into a newly found crescendo, "I have now in my possession vital information concerning the instigators who are responsible for this vile attempt on my life." intoned the president.


It was the Americans!

"It was the Americans! The fat smug bastards who believe they have the right to police the world and distribute their foul burgers and horrid coffee everywhere! I alone stand against their decadent culture and block the onslaught of their rule!"

But wait! There's more! Purge this page in the name of Allah!


"My brothers" concluded the president "And those unidentified blobs in Burkas, I assure you that nothing will stop me in my epic journey to achieve peace, prosperity and Sharia law for all. We shall witness the return of the Imam in this lifetime and those who dare stand against me will surely fail!" concluded the president, waving to the roaring crowds.

Sources[edit]

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