UnNews:Infallible polygraph test causes 534 Congressional suicides

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:37:59 (UTC)
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4 June 2009

OREM, Utah -- Dr. Richard Cranium, President of his own personal think tank, the Institute of Determining Infallibility Of Truth (IDIOT) announced his team's success in coming up with the world's first definitively accurate test for determining whether or not a person is telling the truth.

"Well, now, I'd commit suicide, too...but I need to help Clarence get his wings. And Zu Zu, who would be there to make sure Zu Zu got her rose petals back?", said Senator Smith.

A preliminary announcement of his findings was made to the Congress of the United States one day before the public announcement, which some believe accounts for the 534 suicides reported from Washington, D.C., all involving Congressmen.

The lone surviving Congressman, Senator Jefferson Smith, R-Montana said, "Well, now, Ah reckon that them as did kill themselves must have had some powerful secrets that concerned them. But Ah cain't pass judgment, as Ah buhleeve that this country was built on plain, ordinary, every day kindness...and a little lookin' out for the other fellah, too.""

Senator Smith then related that at least now he could stop his filibuster, confident that his bill for allocating funds for building a National Boy's Camp at the headwaters of Willet Creek could pass - given that he was now not only a quorom, but a majority. "At least this new-fangled device will bust up the corrupt Taylor Machine back in mah neck of the woods. And bust up a darn sight more political machines elsewhere, Ah reckon."

President Obama has not as yet committed suicide over his broken promises about closing Gitmo, ending military tribunals or enforcing the 14th amendment for gays in the military, but this is believed to be because he has been on an extended date with Michelle (at a cost to taxpayers of $500,000 plus), and has not yet been briefed on this development.

Senator Smith was unavailable for further comment, as it's believed that he is on his first date with Senatorial page Diz Saunders who he'll be fucking while thinking about the late Senator Paine's daughter Susan. Representative Nancy Pelosi was sought for comment, but she, like all the rest of the lying shits we had in office, had offed herself.

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