UnNews:IRC Users Detained for Questioning

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:19:59 (UTC)

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Officials are also investigating a Cabal plot to kill the the Prime Ministers of frozen countries

Chat, FreeNode dot Net - Several IRC users including one Uncyclopedia admin have been detained by the government of the United States of America "for their own protection", it emerged today.

The users were believed to have been involved in an "IRC Cabal", a select group of members and admins who have "been making rash decisions on behalf of the community" said an official. These decisions have included a new Ninjastar, the sleeping pill and the Volte-Ometer 2.0, a bot that is capable of finding and reporting bad articles at high speeds.

Earlier today, the Cabal was under attack from trolls, such as fgt, djpirate and other assorted sock puppets. The room's sole op, Wolf was away from his keyboard at the time of the attack. An heroic bystander, MoneySign, was luckily at the scene and enlightened his fellow Cabal with knowledge of the /ignore command. The suspects, could not be reached for comment, as they were being held for an indeterminate period at Camp Delta, Guantanmo Bay.

The trolls were believed to be sockpuppets of an Uncyclopedian organisation known as EE, or Everyone Else. Eventually, one of the Cabal's ringleaders, Codeine arrived on the scene and kicked the trolls, one of whose connection had timed out previously.

After it was revealed that the IRC Cabal were planning a terrorist plot to topple New York, one of the EE's anonymous members was reported to have said "this is the last straw" and suicide bombed IRC. No users were killed, and one user was injured. The IRC users will be guests of the United States government for an indefinite period until their safety can be guaranteed.

The terrorist plot was believed to be as follows:

• Today, we are testing the Echelon and NSA monitoring systems.

<Slackerboy> Ummm.... Go Al Qeda

<Bradaphraser> see, it made you misspell that

<Slackerboy> see if that gets the jack booted thugs here

• Please pardon this test of the monitoring system.

<@Codeine> "I want to plant a bomb in washington DC and blow up the president in the name of Islam"

<@Codeine> That should get their attention

<Lugiatm> Durka Allah Mohammed Jihad?

<@Codeine> Death to Amerikka

<Lugiatm> Durka durka dur.

<Bradaphraser> you missed a k

<@Codeine> 'K

<@Codeine> thx

<Bradaphraser> :)

<@Codeine> ;-)

<Lugiatm> Death to Amerikkka?

<Bradaphraser> yeah

<Bradaphraser> that's the way it's always spelled

<Slackerboy> Allah u ackbar! praise to to Bin Laden, Death to the Great Satatn and the Lesser Satan

<@Codeine> we will bomb new york

<Bradaphraser> which is which?

<@Codeine> fatwa fatwa salman rushdie

<Lugiatm> With Bin Laden, police be upon him

<@Codeine> And we shall open a chain of halal restaurants

<@Codeine> called "Allah Snackbar"

<Slackerboy> And work in convienince stores

<Lugiatm> Now let us go forward with this jihad!

<Bradaphraser> heh heh

<Lugiatm> Durrrrrrrrrrrrrkaaaaaaaa!

<@Codeine> For great justice.

• This concludes the test of the Echelon and NSA system.
• Had this been a real emergency, no government action would have followed.

The inquest continues.

In unrelated news, Halliburton reported a record profit for this quarter...