|Fake News that's honestly fake||✪||UnNews||✪||Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 07:18:UTC)(|
8 November 2021
POUGHKEEPSIE, New Jersey -- Everyone's Favorite Restaurant (well, everyone who is male and still has at least 20/1000 vision) Hooters has re-launched, re-branded and re-versed itself to emerge as Bummers. UnNews is here at the grand opening of the Poughkeepsie Bummers Restaurant to interview the two masterminds of this brilliant marketing exercise, Joe-Bob Perve and Billy-Joe Ogle.
UnNews:"Hi there, Joe-Bob and Billy-Joe. How about you tell us what this new styling is all about.?"
Joe-Bob: "Well, even though I'm the brains of the outfit, it was ol' Billy-Joe who cooked up the idea one evening as we were relaxing in our penthouse office on top of Hooters Boise."
Billy-Joe: "Yep, I was sayin' to ol' Joe-Bob that we was gettin' a lot of competition from other places that were tryin' to bump up the sale of ribs with what's on 'em."
J-B: "Ol' Billy-Joe means the white meat, y'see. Now that don't mean that our girls are all white, but y'know I'm bein' kinda not too explicit. Why a lot of our girls who aren't white have sure got the goods and we ain't sayin' anythin' that might disrespect them. Just makin' sure we don't offend anybody."
B-J: "You tell 'em, Joe-Bob. I was just sayin' to Joe-Bob that it was a treat to see our girls just saunterin' up to the table with a great big platter of steamin' ribs or T-bones backed up with somethin' that just makes you want to get 'em in your mouth."
J-B: "Yep. I can almost taste those ribs and T-bones, Billy-Joe."
B-J: "But, I said, and that's a big BUT, what happens when they turn around and saunter back to the kitchen for another platter of pork belly or chicken? All that fine display of feminine charm is gone. We gotta do somethin' about this, Joe-Bob."
J-B: "I said Billy-Joe, you're dead right. We're wastin' all them top notch visuals on the kitchen staff. We can't get 'em to walk backwards, can we?"
B-J: "I replied - I think that might be a little dangerous, Joe-Bob. Supposin' they sort of back into a table or one of the other girls carryin' a big platter of bacon-smothered lamb chops. It could get messy. I been noticin' that our special and outstandin' girls aren't just well padded on the top end. They got plenty of - let's call it dark meat, okay - that's not gettin' the exposure tbat it should."
J-B: "And o'course I want to make it clear that we're talkin' about our girls whatever color they happen to be."
B-L: "You know it, Joe-Bob. I suddenly got this inspiration and almost jumped outta my chair. Joe-Bob! I hollered. Them girls got cleavage on both ends! How about we just change the outfits a little so that when they turn around, they gonna be displayin' somethin' worthy of admiration just like they do when they're walkin' toward you?"
J-B: "Well, I tell you my mouth was hangin' open so far that you coulda pushed a smoky chili ham hock in it without even gettin' my lips greasy. It made me think about the revelations of the old-time prophets, except a lot of them wouldn't have anything to do with a ham hock, smoky chili or not."
B-J: "So we got this fashion designer who used to work for Playboy to design a new outfit for us and we decided that we needed to change the name to reflect our new image. And here come the girls right now!"
UnNews: "Folks, this is just amazing. The girls are doing a catwalk down the special banquet table loaded with unimaginably meaty treats. I mean the platters of food of course. The diners are shouting their approval through mouthfuls of food as the girls deftly sidestep the platters and spin around to do the reverse walk back to the kitchen. You don't see this sort of thing at the usual fashion parade, do you, fellas?"
J-B: Nothin' like it, huh Billy-Joe?"
B-J: Maybe in heaven, Joe-Bob."
- M.L. Nestel and Jon Rogers, The Sun "Hooters girls’ fury over ‘X-rated’ uniform change prompts backflip". The Sun, October 19, 2021