UnNews:Hansel says he is 'happy' to be caged by witch

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Friday, June 2, 2023, 08:48:59 (UTC)

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20 June 2018

Happy Hansel in his safe cage.

THE DARK FOREST, FairylandGerman child refugee says he is 'happy' to be kept in a cage whilst his immigration status is sorted out. Hansel and his sister Gretel were found in the Forest by the Fairyland Border Force. Hansel has been housed in a safe cage and is kept warm over a large hot pot. Gretel has gone elsewhere.

It's great fun to be here in the cage, said Hansel. I am safe and warm and get fed every hour! All my fast food favourites!. The witch in charge of Hansel, Miss Cackle, said Hansel was turning into a very chubby little boy. However other Fairylanders were not so happy with this arrangement.

Miss Cackle has a certain reputation, claimed Miss Goody Two-Shoes. We investigated her recently and couldn't find what happened to her previous charges. We will be asking that the the Fairyland Homeland Security department look into this. Two-Shoes is the leading advocate of 'Justice for Fairyland' and hated by the government of the Big Bad Trump.

Homeland Security secretary Kirstjen Nielsen has meantime denied she is a secret witch after a drawing appeared in the Wishy-Washy Fairyland Post and New Clockwork Times showing her at a coven, otherwise known as a meeting of the Republican Party. Accusations that a wax doll of Hillary Clinton were used as part of the ceremony has also been denied. Nielsen also claimed Hansel was safe. However, when asked where Gretel had gone, Nielsen promised to 'get right back with a plausible answer' once her broomstick was repaired.