UnNews:Florida school censors yearbook photos of female students
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 20, 2024, 03:46:59 (UTC) |
| Florida school censors yearbook photos of female students | 
|
24 May 2021
St John, Florida USA -- A high school in Florida has scored a fail in computer graphics class in its attempt to make the school yearbook less distracting. For some people, that is. The teacher who was in charge of putting the Bartram Trail high school yearbook decided that some 80 yearbook photos, all of girls mind you, were too revealing to be immortalized. The teacher will remain unnamed as her name has already been splashed all over the so-called mainstream media. Nothing sadder than trying to pretend you have a scoop when it's already in the history books.
However, UnNews has got a completely fabricated interview for you, just to prove that no trashy story will be left unreported. We have teachers L and I on the line to explain how this globally significant incident has arisen. As well as pretending to hide the names of the teachers, we have pixellated the faces of two students who received the unsolicited digital insertions to their portraits. As usual, UnNews has done a far superior job of covering up the distracting areas, allowing our valued readers to get a much better idea of what we are talking about.
UnNews: "Ms I, what made you decide to do the photoshopping of the student's portraits?"
Ms. I: "Do I really have to do this? I just hung up on the other ones."
Ms. L: "I'm afraid so. This is UnNews, not just some multinational media conglomerate."
Ms. I: "All right. I felt that the exposure of certain parts of the female body would cause unnecessary distraction among some of the students."
UnNews: "You are referring to their boobs?"
Ms. L: "That is perhaps too explicit a term. How about we use the term 'Female Pectoral Declivities (FPD)?"
UnNews: "Of course, FPDs. We don't want to arouse any distractions here. Now I understand that the girls were wearing clothes that had been approved beforehand as being within the school dress code."
Ms. I: "That is true, but I became aware that the school code of conduct might have been breached."
UnNews: "I see, So it's all right to have FPDs and bring them to class and even expose them to a certain degree."
Ms. I: "Well, yes, but I felt that having FPDs in the school yearbook takes them out of the classroom and makes them into more permanent objects of distraction."
UnNews: "It's all right to have FPDs, but less so to photograph them."
Ms. I: "And also quite unfair to those whose FPDs are not quite as pronounced."
UnNews: "While on the subject of inadequate FPDs, we understand that some of the boys opted for more athletic dress that possibly drew attention to their MPDs."
Ms I.: "What's that?"
UnNews: "Male Protuberant Dangles. Yet none of those portraits were altered."
Ms L: "I think we have to draw a very firm distinction between MPDs and FPDs. We have quite enough of FPDs and their surroundings appearing in informal pictures passed between the students."
UnNews: "We are aware that MPDs do appear in these unauthorized exchanges now and then."
Ms I: "But not in the school yearbook."
UnNews: "One last question. There have been reports that both students and parents have complained about the quality of the alterations. Surely you could have given the job to someone with more experience."
Ms L.: "We tried one of the male seniors who claimed that he was very skilled at this sort of thing. Unfortunately he enhanced the FPDs and nearby organs."
UnNews: "What did the students think of that?"
Ms I: "I'm afraid to say that there is an unauthorized version of the yearbook now being shared among the students. It seems to be attracting a rather large share of the market."
UnNews: "Well, there it is. Teachers and students have once more been shown to have different ideas about what should be allowed at school. Not an entirely novel finding, but it did allow us to produce another mildly risque article on UnNews."