UnNews:Ecstatic UNNEWS Writer Celebrates

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6 August 2008

The happiest dude on the planet.

Lost Angeles, CALIFORNIA"Ecstatic!" is how writer known only as 'Smuggler' describes his feeling about landing an article on UNEWS's front page. "I can't believe my article is actually on the front page!" says Smuggler in an interview conducted by himself in front of the crowd of people ignoring him in a Starbucks at the beach. "If they only knew!" he continues. "See?! That 9 years I spend in Jr. College WAS well spent! Everybody's wrong but ME!!!".

"And to think it almost never happened! That day, like today, I almost went out and worked for a living. But nooo, and look-I'm famous! No wait-it's better than that! I'm INfamous!" to which this reporter could only wonder what exactly the definition and difference is between the two words, but...whatever.

The article Smuggler wrote was about and odd looking animal and it's appearance in Chico, CA. "I went to CSU Chico one semester and took some classes. Really it's a nice campus and the calibre and attitude of the Instructors was what one expects from an educational institution. I had a buddy who was in the Agriculture program and we hung out a lot. I think his name was 'Steve'. He told me all about the region's agriculture, so when it came time to make the article I was able to draw upon my experiences from up there and apply them to the article."

I'd like to thank my parents, my coach, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. But most of all, I'd like to thank ME, the great guy that I am, because I deserve this illustrious recognition. YAHOOO!!!

"Steve took me to the Ag Department's stables and showed me his unicorn 'Carl' he was raising for slaughter. He polished it's horn and gave it a bath and a TWE (tap water enema). "Silly things eat too much clover and it clog's the critter's up." Steve explained. The three of us went to a favorite bar of Steves called "The Bear" where we met my General Chemisry Instructor Mr. uhh...something, he's a nice guy too, darn! Anyways, and those guys had beers and I had a soda pop. Carl was a lightweight so one beer in and he was being an obnoxious unicorn and he got thrown out so he had to wait in the truck-always tough for an attention-hog like a unicorn, while we stayed and yapped. Carl sulked and pouted and kept calling us on our cell phones and bugging the crap outta us, so finally we left and took him out into a field and let him chase the almond trees."

The interview continued to take a turn for the worse as Smuggler rambled on and on until he finally came back to the point of whatever this interview is about. By then the crowd had dissipated except for the same lady who sat at the handicapped person table next to him, yet she'd no idea of the greatness tapping away on the laptop in the big brown chair nearby. Truly, ignorance marches on.