UnNews:Eating money makes gold poop

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20 March 2014

The world's first gold poo on display. A truly valuable piece of crap.

MOSCOW, Russia -- If you eat money, your poop will be turned into gold. This was only recently discovered by multi-millionaire Scrooge McDuck when his pet mallard O' Malley ate all the money in his safe, then spent many agonizing hours defecating a new great treasure onto the world.

According to our top scientists, golden poop is worth $1000, 000 more than regular poop. "It is man's greatest discovery yet", says former U.S. vice president Al Gore, "a new simple way to get rich without the destruction of Earth's gold mines". The U.S. Air Force is now proceeding to drop cash over Africa and other third-world quadrants, in hopes that its populous will eat the money and finally put poverty in its place.

Eating money for golden feces is a technique that anyone can try. Even you. Start by making a nice green salad out of your dollar bills and savour the bland taste of those paper products. But be warned, your bladder contents will be gradually transformed into solid gold, meaning that you will endure extreme pain and bleeding the next time you defecate.

From money burgers to cash-flavoured ice cream, you can make eating money look fun.

Scientists are currently looking for ways to counteract this painful routine, such as the goose-that-laid-the-golden-egg maneuver; in which the subject lays gold eggs in place of poop upon undergoing human-to-goose species reassignment surgery. Ironically, it costs more than what will later come out of the patient's behind.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.