UnNews:EU Secret Prison Investigators Sent to Secret European Prisons

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:32:59 (UTC)
EU Secret Prison Investigators Sent to Secret European Prisons UnNews Logo Potato.png

7 June 2006

(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
According to the CIA, this is a playground for happy, liberated children, not a secret prison. That tower is made from tasty chocolate.

SECRET CIA PRISON, Romania The Council of Europe released a scathing report today, suggesting that the CIA has a network of secret prisons across the European Continent. It also accuses the US Agency of conducting rendition flights during which the passenger’s seats are not in an upright position, and the tray tables are not stowed away during landing.

The US State Department quickly denied the allegations, and took action against the lead investigators by covertly transporting them to secret European prisons. Swiss Parliamentarian Dick Marty, who authored the report, was the first to be kidnapped. CIA chief Hayden vehemently denied his agency's involvement, announcing "There are absolutely no secret CIA prisons anywhere in the world, and anyone who says otherwise will be taken away to a secret CIA prison."

Although no direct proof of the prison network's existence was offered in the European report, it did provide logs of suspected CIA flights, as well as hidden camera footage from the women's bathroom at the Langley headquarters. Poland's Szymanowice airport was cited as a central staging point for the flights. But the Polish government denied this, even giving a tour of the compound to reporters. A representative commented, "You see - this airfield hasn't been used for years, and certainly not for any secret CIA flights - that's ludicrous." The rest of his remarks were drowned out by the engine noise of a secret CIA flight that was just taking off.

At a morning press conference, President Bush tried to stay clear of the topic, saying Americans should focus on the "real issues - such as what's for dinner tonight, and why is the NSA spying on you... oh, oops, never mind that NSA thing - don't worry about that one." White House spokesman Tony Snow later added that "Why do we need secret prisons when we have Guantanamo, which everyone knows about. I mean, the only difference is that we can't torture people at Guantanamo, but in Romania we're even allowed to... oh, wait, I think I said too much."

The Council of Europe was due to investigate the allegations further, but all its investigators have mysteriously disappeared overnight.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:EU_Secret_Prison_Investigators_Sent_to_Secret_European_Prisons&oldid=5423963"